Christmas 2010

Christmas was today. It was fAnTaStIc. I've never written anything like that before. It felt odd. I'll probably never do it again. Anyway.

Last night I slept in the playroom with Liz and Zack. We fell asleep playing Super Mario Bros Melee and woke up today at about 7:00 am. In my house, we have two gift ceremonies. We go up first and look at what Santa brought. That's normally just laid out in piles on couches in our living room. It's usually awkward shaped or bulky things that my parents don't want to wrap. So we go admire all of that, and then move into the family room for gifts exchanged between family members. So we went and opened presents. My haul this year, from Santa, family and friends:

-Racquetball racket

-2 racquetball balls and goggles

-A racquetball glove for gripping

-A purple sweater

-A gray cardigan

-Five long-sleeved layering T's in a variety of colors

-A new scraper for my car

-2 pairs of jeans

-underwear :)

-A 28 piece kitchen set

-Easy A and a $25 dollar gift card

-Billy Joel's greatest hits album

-A $15 Subway gift card

-$20 and a Symphony bar from my grandma

-A pair of white sandals

-Bath and Body works scents

-Socks

-New eyeliner

-And, most important of all, tuition for next semeseter.

I'mahappygirl.

So after presents we had Christmas breakfast which consisted of eggs, sausage, hashbrowns, and coffee cake. We played Tiger Woods golf (my dad's Christmas present) on the Wii, and Just Dance 2, which my sister got. We went up and got ready and such, and then my Anderson grandparents came over for Christmas dinner at 3. It wasn't awful, I guess. Well they left, and I had a bunch of friends came over where we attempted to play killer bunnies. It was odd. My Christmas officially ended while sitting at Beto's with David, Jessey, Cory and Shoe, enjoying a delicious carne asada and talking about our hatred for several people.

Merry Christmas.

And then there were 2

So in my apartment for a while there has been us four girls, me, Dani, Morgan, and Brittany. We all knew that Morgan was going to move out at the end of the semester. She sold her contract and has been dying to get out of Ephraim. The plan was to get one new roommate, and Brittany, Dani and I would all still be here. So apparently on Monday night Brittany decides she doesn't want to live in Ephraim anymore. She decides to try and sell her contract before rent is due on Wednesday. She puts up posters and such, but no one calls her. So on Wednesday, she goes over to pay her rent, resigned to stay in Ephraim. She ran into someone in the office who was looking for a place to stay and sold her contract. In two mother effing days. You've got to be joking me. So now for next semester, it's Dani and I. Plus 2 other girls that I don't know. At all. Lovely.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh.

Well. I'm officially a failure.

I currently have a 47 percent in my biology class.

A 56 percent is required to pass.

This means I have to score 92 or above on my final in order to even pass.

FML.

Lil' Quickie

I just found this song on Pandora. I'm in love with it. It's a cover of that song from a couple years ago that was SO ANNOYING i could never listen to it all the way. It's really just an acoustic version, but I now am so in love with it. Gorgeous. Listen to it here.

Bleeeerghhhhh

I was sick today. And I hated it. I hardly ever get sick, truthfully, but when I do it totally knocks me out. I've been on the couch all day, unable to breathe through my nose or go five minutes without coughing. I'm not a fan. Dani was my little sicky buddy :) she wasn't even sick, but she stayed on the couch with me and such. So that was enjoyable. PLUS I got a letter from elder Sam Bennion :) He's awesome, and writes AMAZING letters. So that also made my day a lot more enjoyable. I've been kind of bummed lately. So here are a list of things that cheer me up.

-The delicious pop-tarts we got at the store.

-Hot Pockets

-That 70's Show

-This Song

-Glee

-Playing racquetball

-Thinking about this semester being almost over.

-Thinking about Christmas break.

That's all I got for right now. But that's enough.

I hate people

I hate people with a burning fiery passion. Dani and I went to McDonalds to get some free beverages, and they were absolutely slammed. So I clocked in for a little while to help. I stepped behind the register, and people looked at me like i was an absolute idiot. Like they didn't know whether or not they should speak to me or not because I wasn't in an order. I had to directly ask them what they wanted before they would even speak. Then when I had finally taken everyones orders I went and started running for myself. I got like six orders out, and a bunch of orders later, there were two that were sitting there from the very beginning still sitting there. About five minutes after that, two guys come up and start complaining that they still haven't received their food. I look at their receipts, and it's the food that's been sitting there from the very beginning. I had called it out four or five times and they hadn't come up and got it. It's not like there's an intercom that we can call it out-they have to actually listen.

And then people on most nights are just SO RIDICULOUSLY RUDE. Like really, my job sucks enough without you making it even worse. Just BE NICE. Like even if stuff is taking a long time, there's a reason for it. It's not like we're just sittin back there shootin the breeze not doing anything. It's obviously because we're busy. People just need to calm the freak down. There is no reason to get all angsty about it. Your food is gonna be fresh, so shut the hell up. I'm so sick of my job. I can't wait until I'm out of here and never have to set foot in the Ephraim McDonalds again. Seriously, if I never ever come back to Ephraim again I'll be fine with it. I'll be better than fine. I'll be blissful. I hate this place. I just wanna go back to smithfield and work with Paige and Moriah and Laura and Jay and not have to ever deal with these people again.

New Blog

I'm starting a new blog. It's all about religion. If you don't want to read it, that's fine :) But from now on my updates about my life and such will be here, and my ramblings on deep thought will be at midnightswithmckenna.blogspot.com

Events and things

I feel like these last couple of days have been so eventful....but not really :)

Let's see. I went home with Dani this weekend and had a BLAST! It seriously was so much fun. I loved her family and her sister's sweet 16 party and just pretty much everything. We went to HARRY POTTER 7!! And it was life changing. I LOVED it. so good. Ah. I can't even get over it. I got to see Lumber jack and John :) We played games and built a snowman and watched frightening movies. That was also quite fun. Then I got to see Sister Lunt, my old young women's leader. She was basically the person responsible for keeping me going to church as long as I did. She's amazing. I'm so glad I got to see her. This is her:

Haha she dressed up as Shaun White for halloween. She's great :)

I came home on Monday and it was freaking scary and I almost died. The person right in front of me went off the road and I never saw him again.

and mostly, I'm just glad to be home.

I missed my family so so much. I love them :) Even with all their ridiculousness, I wouldn't trade them for anything.

I'm a bad ass

Today I covered up my fist with a sweatshirt and PUNCHED THROUGH A PANE OF GLASS. True fact. I'm not even making this up. My friend broke her window and we had to get all the glass out before we could get it replaced. And we couldn't get half of it out so I punched it. It all came out. I was pretty proud of it. :)

I imagine it looked something like this :) Mainly just because I love Tina Fey with a fiery burning passion. Yup.

Other happenings:

-I've received THREE missionary letters this week, each one making me happier than the last.

-I'm going home with Dani and Brittany this weekend. I get to see Lumberjack and Elastigirl, which I'm excited for :)

-I got all of Thanksgiving break off, so I getta go home and see my family.

That's about it :)

More thankfulness

Things I am excited for :)

Thanksgiving Break:

Summer Vacation:

Spring Break in St. George:

Leaving Ephraim:

My new tattoo:

Harry Potter 7:

Graduation:

Easy A to come out on DVD:

Christmas:

:) :) :)

Giving Thanks

So I have recently realized that I do a lot of complaining on here. Which I try to justify by saying that it's my blog/journal so I can say what I want. So I'm just gonna have a little thankfulness post :)

THINGS I AM THANKFUL FOR:

My family:

Subway sandwiches:

Music:

Warm Blankets:

David and Texas:

This is one of my favorite pictures ever of us three :)

Ashley and Alexa:

A job:

Modern technology:

aaaaand Diet coke:

And many other people and things that I don't have time to find pictures for. I still love all of you :)

Get me out of here

I have never wanted to be home with my family in my entire life more than I have this week. I mean I love my family and all, and we've had some differences, but I can't stand this place anymore. I want to go home over Thanksgiving and just be with them. At this point in time I don't even care if I get to see David or Texas. I REALLY miss my mom and I REALLY miss Liz. I started crying just thinking about it today. All my roommates go home every single weekend to see their families, and I haven't seem them in over a month. I know that doesn't sound long at all, and I don't know why I'm so emotional about it. I just miss them. I'm sure part of it had to do with this essay Liz wrote about me. I got all teary after reading it yesterday. Here it is:

The one person in the whole world I can count on is my sister, Katy. She is my best friend and is always there for me. I can tell Katy anything and I know she can listen and understand what is going on with with I need and want to talk about. The fact we are sisters does mean we fight. When we do though, we get over it quickly. Some of them may be stupid, but we are sisters so what do you expect? Katy is someone who will confide with me and we both know that we can trust each other. It is such a cool thing to have someone so close to you to count on and have a strong feeling of trust. Katy is in Ephraim right now and it is so weird to not have her across the hallway when I want to talk. She is not afraid to speak her mind and that is something I admire greatly about her. Also, she is kind of the 'rebel' of the family in my mind so she doesn't follow the pack. Katy is the one and only person in the whole world that I can really, truly trust because I have spent my entire life with her building a relationship that I know will last a really long time. I love her and can't wait to see her again next week.

She called it "The Person I Can Count On"

I miss her so so much. And I miss my mom. More than I ever thought I would. We haven't been able to talk as much as I would like to this week because my phone has been broken. I hate it. I miss my dad. I watched The Last Song the other day, and I cried my eyes out when her dad died. And I wanted to do nothing but call my dad and talk to him and hear his voice and hear what was going on in his life. But I couldn't because of my stupid phone.

I love these two so much. They mean the world to me. I'm so sick and tired of Ephraim. I want to go home.

Sorting

My head has just been a huge jumble of thoughts lately, which I know probably makes reading this confusing. This post is to sort out everything that's been going through my head and what I've been feeling lately.

Religion:

I believe:

-There is some type of higher power.

-That he does give us feelings or "promptings" if that's what you want to call them.

-That he doesn't care about religion*

-That he just wants me to be a good person.

*the thing that's confusing about this statement is that lately I've been feeling like I should be part of some religion. I don't know what one, but I've felt empty and felt like I needed to be part of something...

Growing up:

-I want to keep in contact with certain people.

-The harsh reality is that I probably won't see many of them again.

-An instance of this is Dani. We've only known each other since the end of August and I feel really close to her. She is leaving after this semester is over, so unfortunately I feel like I'll never see her again. I know that we'll say that we'll keep in touch and talk and text all the time, but the truth is that things can never be the same. It frustrates and saddens me quite a bit.

Some days I'm positive that I want to do something with my life. I want to be big. I want to be a Smithfield success story. And sometimes I want things to be exactly the same. I want to be in college forever, learning and meeting people and not having any responsibility other than being a manager at McDonald's. At different times, both things appeal to me A LOT. I don't know where I'm heading in life.

Just a couple of weeks ago I was positive that I wanted to be a substance abuse counselor. Now my vision is cloudy, and I don't know if I still want to pursue that career. Truthfully, I have no idea what I want. What I really want more than anything else in my life is to never grow up. Ever. I just want to stay 18 and play with David and Texas at their same ages for the rest of my life.

There's a couple of songs lately that have been sticking with me for a long time. I'm probably just reading into them too much, but here are my thoughts on them:

Big Casino-Jimmy Eat World.

"I'm the one who gets away
I'm a New Jersey success story
And they'll say Lord give me the chance to shake that hand
They'll say fuck up"

I want to be that person. I want to be the one who gets away from little Happy Valley Utah and do something big and meaningful in my life .

The First Single-The Format

"I've been waiting all this time to be, something I can't define
So let's cause a scene, clap our hands and stomp our feet or something,
yeah something I've just got to get myself over me"

"You know the night life is just not for me
'Cause all you really need are a few good friends
I don't want to go out and be on my own"

Both of these are excerpts from the song, and they both have meant a lot to me lately. Especially the 'I've just got to get myself over me.' And the 'cause all you really need are a few good friends.' Those have both been ringing extremely true in my life latey.

Gravity-Sara Bareilles

"something always brings me back to you.

It never takes too long.

No matter what else I do.

I still feel you here, 'til the moment I'm gone."

This song has always meant a lot to me in the terms of addiction. I have a very real addiction. It's hard to get past, and no matter how hard I try it's always lurking around the corner, waiting to creep up on me when I'm down. Ready to suck me back into it's addictive grasp.

Anyway. That's what's been going on in my head lately. It probably doesn't make much sense, but it's all I got right now.

Excited :)

So I'm all registered for classes next semester, and I'm SO EXCITED. I love learning things so much. And next semester it's almost all classes that i want to take :) I've got interdisciplinary science, which should be okay. Except it's at 7:30 in the morning. That's gonna be hard to get to for sure. I've got Spanish 1020 with my favorite teacher here at Snow, professor Jensen. I've got racquetball from coach Atwood, who is the shiz. I've got social problems from Brenchley jr., and an intro to film class that is making it so I don't have to take a music class :) If I lose my scholarship I'll probably drop social problems and just work a whole lot so i can afford to say in. The chances of this happening are approximately 95 percent. i just don't see my keeping my scholarship happening. Booo. Also-Thanksgiving break is happening in either 10 or 14 days, depending on if my lab gets cancelled. I REALLY hope it does. I wanna see my family. and David.

What a night :)

So tonight was incredibly eventful. At first it started out boring, but it surely did not end that way. I went to work and got home at about ten-thirty. I decided to try and scrub my drunken mural off the wall. PS, purple finger paint DOES NOT COME OFF. Just so you're all aware. So I'd been scrubbing for about an hour when all of a sudden the music in Morgan and Karlee's room turns on real loud. I texted Dani to find out where everyone was, and I was the only one home. So I was freaked right on out. I went over to Katherine's to wait for them to get home because I was so creeped out.

So they get home and we decide that we're going to go on a longboarding adventure. So we go out to the parking lot in the AC and are just messing around. Morgan and Brittany are throwing woodchips at the window of the apartment they had just watched a movie in. So the guys from that apartment come out and start throwing down all sorts of stuff. They threw an egg, a bunch of water bottles, a roll of caution tape, and a fire extinguisher. Then they invited us up.

So we went up to hang out with them, and they are crazy. They're playing Xbox and just being ridiculous. They're a little bit loud, but not really. So we're all just sittin there, Dani, Brittany, Morgan and I on a couch, and two or three of them on another couch watching some kid play Xbox and playing with a rope. So there's this knock on the door, and the guys assume it's the people below them asking them to be a little quieter.

So he opens the door, and there's two cops on the doorstep. They come in and say that there was a noise complaint. He starts asking us what we're doing and such. Then he tells us that if there's another noise complaint from the same apartment that we'd all be arrested. Wow. Such bull. So he shuts us down and we all have to leave and go home. So we're sitting in our living room and talking, and Dani decides to go out and see if they've left yet. She's done it a couple times, and 45 minutes later they're still there. So she goes out to look again. 30 seconds leader we hear running footsteps, Dani comes in and slams the door, flips the light out, and tells us all to not make a noise.

Apparently what happened is this: Dani went outside and walked down the stairs a little bit to see if they were still there. They were walking up the sidewalk towards our apartment. They say "Hey you!" And Dani turns and faces them. So then they yell "That's the girl from the apartment." And Dani just books it. That's when she comes back into our apartment. So we're all sitting in our living room, deathly quiet, and we keep hearing footsteps going up and down the hallway outside our apartment and up the steps. We tripped out for a while and then just decided to go to bed, where I am currently :) It was quite an adventure.

In other news:

I'm going to church on Sunday. Unfortunately it's stake conference. I wish I was going during a regular meeting instead.

I talked to James and he made a lot of sense. He helped me figure a lot of stuff out.

I've decided what my next tattoo is going to be. I'm stealing Alexa's idea just a little bit. It's gonna say Coexist, but the C is going to be the Islam symbol, the X will be the star of David, and the T is going to be a cross. It's going to be done in white ink, and i'm getting it on the back of my neck at the base of my hairline. I'm really excited about it :) That's about all for now, I think. I've got to prepare for a presentation that I have to give at 8 tomorrow morning....So I'm done for the night :)

Weirdest dream of my life

So I had the weirdest dream in my life the other night. I'm gonna try and figure out where all the different parts of the dream came from.

So it starts off and David, Ben Stevens, Dixon Barton, some random girl and myself are in this hallway, which looks like a hallway at Sky View. They tell me that they have some drugs, and so I agree to go with them. We end up sitting on a bench on my grandma's porch. The three guys are all smoking joints, and the girl and I have this huge bag full of tiny colored candies, which apparently contain cannabis. So we each eat a handful and sit back and let the feeling wash over us.

So we're there for a while when a random short, really skinny Mexican guy walks up to the porch. We all stash out stuff under blankets and such, but he searches us. He finds the joints and the bag of candies, and he arrests us. He puts us into the back of his car, and off we go.

We drive to this huge, random building; I have no idea where I've seen it before or what it is. We go inside and register and they put bright blue bracelets on us really tightly. Like the kind you get when you go to the gym that just tear off.

So we all go upstairs into this huge room and apparently take the class. I have no memory of the class itself.

We all leave the classroom after being told that we passed, and we are dancing down the halls and celebrating that we didn't get into any more trouble. So we're walking out the door, and we run into Aly Johnson, Chris Cannel, and James Mitchell. They're also all wearing the bright blue bracelets. We immediately start laughing hysterically at the fact that those three were in the same drug class as us. I didn't see them for the rest of the dream.

So I went home, and my mom didn't know anything that had happened. I ripped off the blue bracelet, because apparently in this dream, blue bracelets were kind of a social stigma; like if you had one it meant you were a bad person. So I ripped it off, and right after I wished that I hadn't. I kind of wanted to go around wearing this blue bracelet, I just didn't want my mom to find out.

So a couple days later I end up going to church. The entire meeting was about how you should keep your body clean and use no drugs, legal or illegal. So after the meeting I was wandering around and all these people were looking at me and glaring at me and talking about how they hadn't ever seen me before and didn't want me there. So the relief society president stood up and started talking, and it happened to be Shelby Smith. She turned around and made the following announcement: “I really need to talk to everyone who got arrested over the weekend.” Everyone kind of started the murmuring and talking among each other, wondering who had got arrested and what they had done and so forth. So then she read off a list of names. Naturally I was first. She called out my name and it was like I had just screamed a list of obscenities out. People's faces whipped around and glared at me, which was odd because I thought they didn't know who I was. So I went up to Shelby, and I don't really remember anything else.

The only other thing was that there was random guest appearances by people from high school, like Chloe Bitter was in my ward. The other really weird thing was this group of girls that was in my ward. They were all bleached blonde and talked like they were a bunch of uneducated morons. And I asked them what they were, and they told me that they were a group of astronaut cheerleaders who were home for a space landing.

So I can kind of see where some of this is coming from. The random people from high school I'm sure is because I was creeping on their facebook pages.  And Ben and Dixon and David are the only people that I would ever do drugs with....so I can see where they came from. The random girl looked kind of familiar...I think she was in my english class this semester. But I have no idea why she was there.

I have no freaking idea how I ended up on my grandma's front porch...I guess David's been there, but I haven't just chilled on her porch in quite a while. So that was kind of confusing. 

The colored candies I think I know where they came from. I know it's super weird, but my roommates and I bought a gingerbread house the other day. It came with a huge bag of colored candies that you can decorate it with. It's just odd that they showed up in my dream as a narcotic.

I have no idea who the skinny Mexican was, or where the large building was. On the inside it kind of looked like the capitol building in D.C. The blue bracelets I'm thinking came from my idea of the A.C. They have all of these ridiculous bracelets you wear when you go in to work out, so that could be where that came from. I think the social stigma idea of it also came from the movie Easy A. She wears a bright red A on her clothes for adulterer, and it changes how people think of her. That's kind of what the blue bracelet did.

I don't know why I wanted to keep the blue bracelet on so bad....it almost seemed that I wanted to keep it on because it would give me some kind of identity. Everyone knew what that blue bracelet meant, and if they saw me with it, they would change their opinion of me. I don't really know why I thought this way.

I'm positive I ended up going to church because it's been on my mind A LOT lately. I think it was actually the last thing that I thought about before I fell asleep last night. I've been thinking about going back and what it would be like, and I think that's kind of where that section of my dream came from. I'm scared of what it will be like. However, the relief society president was really sweet. I think that's where that part came from. The relief society president was someone that I was comfortable with, just like in the ward that I would be going to here in Ephraim. I think that's where that came from, anyway. I'm afraid that something like that will happen at church and I'll be thought of as some kind of heathen freak. Like maybe I'll forget to take my cartilage piercing out or my shirt will be too see-through and everyone could see my tattoo. I think I would be looked at very differently if that happened.

As far as the space cheerleaders go....i have no freaking idea. Like at all. Holy freaking random. Any thoughts on any of this??

Conclusion

I have come to a conclusion regarding church here in Ephraim. Which I shall now state and explain my reasoning for.

I've decided that I'm going to give church one final chance. One of the things that bothers me about it so much is the people. But I know there are some really sweet people in this ward, and that wards can be extremely different depending on who the leaders and people in the ward are. So, I'm going to go to church a couple of times and see how it feels. If it works, then great. If not, I'm no worse off.

I just have been feeling empty lately. I've had a heavy heart and just felt like something was missing. Maybe this is it? Maybe not. I just don't know where else to go from here.

Halloweekend :)

This weekend has been fun, if not slightly boring. My roommates all left on Thursday, so I've been alone in my apartment until tonight.

On Friday Ashley and I watched Hocus Pocus (tradition) and The Uninvited. We got drinks and talked for a while and it was all good, healthy fun.

Last night I went to work and then Kylee came over. We got drunk off our asses on whiskey and made a mural on our wall out of finger paint :) We made eggs at four in the morning, spilled on the carpet, and watched I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry. Here is a picture of our mural :)

Funny story about this mural. Tonight I was sittin in my living room watching Employee of the Month when someone knocked on the door. So I got up and answered it. It was the relief society president and the elders quorum president. They were comin around handing out Ensign's and such. So I invited them in cause it was freezing and they seemed like they wanted to talk. The TV was on so I ran over to turn it off. I turned back around and they were both facing my wall and looking straight at it. Notice the large capitalized BEER on it. It was awkward. So I ran on over and stood in front of the beer while we were talking. The guy was all like, I don't think I know any of the girls in this apartment. So I explained that my roommates go home almost every weekend. And he said "well where have you been?" And I got all nervous and felt awkward and just said "I work a lot." Then Haley, the relief society president, who is actually one of the sweetest and most genuine people I have ever met, said "Katy's not Mormon. But she's just really great and comes to family night sometimes!!" And I grinned awkwardly and he was actually really chill and was also nice. I actually really like both of them. I feel like if I were to ever go back to church, everyone would need to be as genuine and non-judgmental as those two were tonight.

24 hours

In the past 24 hours I have:

-Watched Hocus Pocus

-Watched Forever Strong

-Watched The Uninvited

-Drank 2 32 oz diet Dr. Peppers

-Eaten half a pack of Oreos.

-NOT attended a single class.

-Eaten more pizza rolls than i am proud to admit.

-Read an entire book.

-Took 3 separate baths.

-And eaten a multitude of Tootsie Rolls.

Moral of the story: Sick days are the BEST!

Marathon

Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

It is currently 3:14 am. I have no chance of going to sleep any time soon. Thus, I'm going to do a mass post and finish almost all of my 30 day challenge. The very last one I'm saving. I don't know if I can do it yet. But here goes:

26: I don't know if I've thought about it any more than the average teenager does. I don't really have a comparison, so I'm not sure on this one. I have thought many, many times about kind of quitting life, if that makes sense. Like, go on living, but instead of going to college and becoming a functioning member of society, I would just move to hawaii and live on the beach and never go anywhere in life. I wouldn't have the stress of trying to get good grades, or worry about money. I could make it as a bum. And even if I couldn't, I would die doing something that I wanted to do. It would be going out on my own terms, in a way.

27: What's the best thing going for me right now? Honestly, not much.  I'm keeping optimistic, and trying to keep truckin on, but it's getting ridiculous. I'm out of money, I'm failing biology, I'm going to lose my scholarship, I'm not getting scheduled enough at work, I hate being at my apartment, I haven't made any really close friends this year, and I have no love life to speak of. I don't know where I'm headed, I don't know what I believe in, and I don't know if I want to believe in anything. I've actually been quite pensive about this lately. I look at people who have a religion in their lives, and they seem so incredibly happy. But every single time I try to turn myself around and go back to how I was raised, something bites me in the butt. It never works out for me. So honestly, if someone was to hold a gun to my head and demand to know what the best thing I had going for me was right at that instant, I would say that the highlight of my life currently is getting to talk to my little sister and mom as often as I want to. They keep me sane.

28: If I was pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would I do? I would cry. I would call someone. I would panic for a good long time. I would tell the person who got me pregnant and try and figure things out from there. I know that I would NOT get an abortion. Not ever. I don't know if I would give him/her up for adoption, or keep him/her. I guess it would depend on my circumstances at the time, and who the father was.

29: Something I hope to change about myself, and why.

I want to believe in something. I am one of the most skeptical, literal, logical thinkers I know. I don't take anything just on principle; I've got to dig deeper and find the reasons and explanations behind it. I don't know what I want to eventually believe in, but that's the ultimate goal. I want to be able to know without a doubt that something is real and legitimate and true and beautiful. If I can find that, I'll die at peace. The reason why is because I'm sick of being so skeptical. I just want to know that something is beautiful and real. If I can find that out about the world, I can live with myself.

Play List for David

1-Coffee Break-Metro Station

2-For the Longest Time-Billy Joel

3-What I Got-Sublime

4-My Life-Billy Joel

5-Tiny Cities Made of Ashes-Modest Mouse

6-Float On-Modest Mouse

7-That's What You Get-Paramore

8-Billie Jean-Michael Jackson

9-Tie the Rope-The Format

10-Dog Problems-The Format

1-Coffee Break-This song, along with Sublime, was constantly played during the summer after senior year. It stood for us growing up and apart, moving away, and becoming adults.

2-For the Longest Time-There are so many memories attached to this song. He would appreciate it.

3-What I Got-This song was also played constantly during the summer. It was the last song we listened to together before we moved away. We played it and drove around the block over and over and over with Texas, and we were all sobbing like babies.

4-My Life-Another favorite. Same as number 2.

5-Tiny Cities Made of Ashes-This was the first song David ever introduced me to.

6-Float On-Me David and Dixon had a band on rockband called perspiring philosophers. We kicked ass on this song.

7-That's What You Get-He hates this song. I would put it on there just to annoy him :)

8-Billie Jean-Another favorite from summer. It would either be this one or I Will Always Love You by Whitney Houston. Both incredibly fun to sing horribly.

9-Tie the Rope-This song is weird. David and I were listening to it one night on the way up to Idaho and it made us just decide to keep driving instead of turning around and going home. We drove around for hours listening to the same album.

10-Dog Problems-We have a dance to this song. A damn good dance, I might add. This is kind of the encompassing song of our friendship.

Something You Wish You Hadn't/Had Done In Your Life

There is not a single thing in my life that i would take back. There's been lots of ups and downs along the way, but they have all taught me something, whether important or trivial. There's a line from Hairspray that I love:

"The road was filled with twists and turns but that's the road that got us here."

I agree with that completely. I think that everyone's experiences shape them to be who they are, and if they're able to go back and change something, whether it would be to add something or take something away, it would change everything. I'll just be me.

St. George :)

This weekend has, so far, been fantastic. Dani and I have had a ton of fun, and Alexa and Dani hit it off quite well :) On Friday Dani and I left Ephraim at about nine-thirty. We drove like maniacs and got to Cedar with no gas left in my car. The gas light had gone on about twenty miles before so we just decided to risk it :) Cause we were on an adventure damnit!

So we pulled into St. George and awkwardly hung out at Alexa's until she got home. Luckily, she's got some really awesome roommates, Cierra and Haley, who are the sweetest girls ever. They were so nice and friendly!

Dani is....ridiculous :) But I love her! Here is a list of every joke that was made that I don't want to forget:

-Calling each other on the phone while in the same room.

-Holla atcho Gurrl!! G-Unit pi squared infinity divison symbol SUP!!

-Hook me up Taco Bell! HOOK ME UP!!!

-Davy, Davy Crocket

-My push up bra will help me get my man back!

-you can't drive barefoot

-you can't flick out someones eye with a towel.

-Day 512: Rough seas ahead.

-fancy cheese and wheat thins

-figner paints

-orange peel

-dixie rock

-why don't you grow a dick??

cafe rio

-easy a for the third time

So we get into st george and go to alexa's hosue and we plan. We get our delicious and expensive cheese and wheat thins (tradition) and promptly eat the whole thing between us. We then went to Mongolian Barbecue and Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory (more traditions). We went to see Easy A, which was AMAZING. It's my third time seeing it and I can't even get over it's amazingness. Then we went all the way out to Santa Clara so we could go to Fargo's....and it was still burned down :( We went to five guys instead, then came home and passed out.

Saturday we woke up and went to cafe rio for lunch. Then we went to wal-mart and bought finger paint and coke. :) Alexa had to go to work so me and Dani just hung out and ate leftovers and played brick breaker. For hours. No lie. Then we went to coldstone and waited for alexa to get off work. She finally got off, and we went up to dixie rock! It is absolutely GORGEOUS. You can see all of St. George spread out in front of you in lights and it is so fantastic. I loved it up there, I could have stayed up there for hours. We stayed up there for about an hour and just talked and looked out over the city. It was a blast. We then came home and talked some more and hung out with her crazy sweet roommates.

Except freaking Evie. Ugh. What a ho. She is so freaking annoying. I think she heard me talking shit on her....which I kind of feel bad about. I was talking about how I could just buy her contract right out from underneath her and move to St. George. But Evie heard as she was walking up the stairs and was real real pissy when she got in. Then freaking McCall got all angry cause I slept on her bed. It's not like I was in the sheets or anything, and she was gone for the night. I don't know why she got so freaking angsty about it. But she came in the next morning and was stomping around and all pissy. She needs to get over herself.

But this weekend has overall been marvelous. I love Dani even more than I already did! And I miss Alexa. A whole lot.

Changing the prompt

Alexa is a whore.

She changed the prompt and won't tell me what it is. Thus, i'm making up my own.

It is: If I had 15 minutes to evacuate my home before it was to be destroyed by a hurricane, what 10 things would I grab (not including people or pets). And it will blow hers out of the fucking water. So, in no particular order, here are my items:

Item 1: My rifle. It was a part of me for two years and there is a lot of sentimental value attached to it. I'm never gonna throw it away or anything. It might stay in a closet for a while, but it's going to be with me for a long time. :)

Item 2: My TWLOHA paraphernalia. This might be cheating...But I would grab both my shirts, my bag, my wristbands, and everything else. I'll also want that with me wherever I'm going to end up.

Item 3: My laptop. It's got all my music, pictures, documents, secrets, journal, everything on it. I would be kind of devastated if I lost it.

Item 4: My camera. It also has a lot of pictures on it, and I take A LOT of pictures.

Item 5: My blanket. It's adorable :) It's red and white and I just made it and I LOVE IT!

Item 6: My mp3. I neeeeeed it.

Item 7: My bookshelf, full of books. I neeeeeed those as well.

Item 8: My bag of string. Haha I know this sounds so so stupid. But making bracelets has been really stress relieving, and if there was a freaking hurricane heading for my house, it would help.

Item 9: My pillow. It's a comfort object.

Item 10: And finally, I would take....a coat or something of that sort. I guess I gotta be kind of practical :)

Gay Marriage

Alright. This is a touchy subject for me. I don't understand why people get so angsty about it. Look. It's two people who love each other. The divorce rate in the United States right now is 50%. I think straight couples are taking advantage of how easy it is for them to get married, divorced, and remarried. Gay couples have to try so much harder, and put so much more effort into getting married and having a child, so they're going to work a lot harder to make it work. They're not going to take their opportunity for granted.
They are two humans who are both making a mature, informed decision to be married. It's not like one of the people is mentally incompetent, or they're trying to marry an inanimate object. They both want to do it, they're not hurting anyone else by getting married, and they want to do it.
What goes on, behind closed doors, between two consenting adults, is no ones business but their own. Everyone needs to calm down and just let everyone do what they want to. It's love, who are they to stop it?

Lit-rr-a-churr

Oh my god. I can't even describe how much I love this prompt.

I swear to god that I chose A Million Little Pieces as one of mine even before I read Alexa's post. It's one of the ten books that I love enough to bring down to school with me. Amazing. I never realized how intense and hard it can be to overcome such a serious, mind-blowing addiction. It's done a couple things for me. A-steered me away from ever using such heavy drugs. B-helped me choose my future career, substance abuse counselor. It also contributed to my swearing like a sailor, but I think it's a trade-off that was worth it.



Book number 2: A Thousand Splendid Suns


This book is AMAZING. It, along with it's partner by the same author, Kite Runner, are two of the best books i have ever read. They both are in my top five Basically it's about this girl who lives in the Iraq/Iran/Afghanistan area. And it follows her throughout her life and shows how terribly women are treated over there. It's so so so so SO GOOD.

Book number 3: Impulse

Impulse was a life changer for me. The poetry is stunning both in how it is read and how it appears visually. It was really an eye-opener for me, as the first time I read it was during my senior year. It taught me a lot. It taught me that it was okay to hurt, and that no one is too good to have a deep dark secret. Everyone has got something. Everyone. Even the Mckenna Lewis' of the world have one. I read Impulse whenever I feel like things are going wrong. It always helps. Always. Ellen Hopkins is so good.



The final book: For One More Day, by Mitch Albom.
Everyone is so freaking obsessed with Tuesdays with Morrie. But I'm telling you, For One More Day is where it's at. It's the story of a man whose mom died suddenly years before. He has a dream where his mom comes back for one more day. He gets to do all the things he was neglecting while she was alive. This book made me just cherish life. You never know when things are going to go to shit. You never know when someone close to you will die, or when something bad will happen. You've gotta just keep trucking, and when you're skating on thin ice, you might as well tap dance, because you might not get another opportunity.

16-Something i could definitely live without.

I'm copying Alexa on this one, because I love her idea SO MUCH!
Sorry I always go off on little religion rants on here. It's just really frustrating to me.
For example, the other day I was standing in my kitchen cooking dinner and I got a phone call. It was a local number from smithfield, so I answered it. It was some guy from the stake presidency asking for people to come to the blood drive this week. I told him I would if I could, but I got a tattoo and so cannot donate for eleven more months. He got all sorts of angsty and sputtered and asked why and if I had talked to my bishop/family about it. And I calmly explained that it was a personal decision and that I had to go. And he kept freaking out so I just hung up. It's just incredibly annoying to me.
I know some people have excellent experiences with the religion of their choice, and I'm just fine with that. It just has never worked for me. I know you're supposed to look at the religion itself, and not the people in it, but I think the people in it play a pivotal role. So many people who tell everyone they are mormon are so so SO hypocritical. They drink, swear, have sex, whatever. And they judge. That's what pisses me off more than anything else. Mormon's are supposed to be these amazing people who love everyone equally, and they don't. My entire ward back home is filled with judging.
I think religion causes more problems than it fixes. There have been huge, bloody wars fought solely over religion. I think people can be truly amazing people, full of love and charity and who do good things and are honest and are FANTASTIC who have no religion at all. And that's fine. But the church I was raised in would say that they are still going to hell. I've posted this quote on here before, but I love it so much I'm putting it on here again:

"God is love, and he respects love. Whether it be the love between a parent and a child, man and a woman or friends. I dont think God cares about religion one bit. live your life the way you should. Dont hurt others, help those in need and love with all your heart. And if there is a heaven im sure you will be welcome."

Addicted

Someone or something you can't live without, because you've tried living without it.
Communication. Not just communication with anyone. Communication with 2 certain people:
My mom and sister.



I thought I was going to move away to college and talk to my mom maybe once a week; more likely once a month. It would just be a small chat, five or ten minutes at the most.
I thought I was going to move away and not need my mom and sister anymore. Not need her advice, or her help. Not need someone to vent on. Not need someone to cover for me when it was needed.
I was dead wrong. I talk to my mom 3 or 4 times a week. Always at least ten minutes; usually out conversations last upwards of an hour. I miss her so much. Same with my sister. They are the 2 greatest women I know. I'm blessed to have them in my lives. They've always been there for me. Always. They've stuck up for me and defended me, and they've always always been able to cheer me up. I love them both. So much.

Ode to The Format, Billy Joel, and Between the Trees

My dearest friend David Marshall introduced me to what I feel is the greatest band of all time: The Format.



I'm in love with them, with their music, with every single piece they have ever come out with. I know all the words, all the melodies. Everything. There's not very much of their stuff that is particularly applicable, but the tone of their music tends to take my mind off of things far better than any other music. One song that has been applicable to me, and thus will always have a special place in my heart, is Tune Out. In case you didn't notice, that's what my blog is called :) Here are the lyrics to the chorus:

I'll tap the brake while you crack the window
the smell of smoke is making my lungs explode
the 51 is backed up and too slow
let’s tune out by turning on the radio

And oh my love you’re all I need
Backed behind a frequency
They played this song an hour ago
But let's tune out
Let's tune out by turning on the radio

This basically describes mine, David's, and Texas' friendship perfectly. Except for the "my love" part haha. All of the moments we've had have involved music, driving around, and smoking. I love this song, and this band, more than any other music.

Second, Billy Joel.



Brendan Cannon, a personal hero of mine, introduced me to Billy Joel. I've been hooked ever since. He doesn't have an amazing voice, but many of his songs are extremely applicable to my life. Alexa's mom had a facebook status a while ago where she asked what everyone's song that described them was. After some thinking, I decided on "My Life" by Billy Joel.

Got a call from an old friend
We used to be real close
Said he couldn't go on the American way
Closed the shop, sold the house
Bought a ticket to the West Coast
Now he gives them a stand-up routine in L.A.

I don't need you to worry for me cause I'm alright
I don't want you to tell me it's time to come home
I don't care what you say anymore, this is my life
Go ahead with your own life, leave me alone

I never said you had to offer me a second chance
(I never said you had to)
I never said I was a victim of circumstance
(I never said)
I still belong, don't get me wrong
You can speak your mind
But not on my time

They will tell you, you can't sleep alone in a strange place
Then they'll tell you, you can't sleep with somebody else
Ah, but sooner or later you sleep in your own space
Either way it's okay to wake up with yourself

I don't need you to worry for me cause I'm alright
I don't want you to tell me it's time to come home
I don't care what you say anymore, this is my life
Go ahead with your own life, leave me alone

I never said you had to offer me a second chance
(I never said you had to)
I never said I was a victim of circumstance
(Of cirumstance)
I still belong, don't get me wrong
You can speak your mind
But not on my time

I don't care what you say anymore, this is my life
Go ahead with your own life, leave me alone

This song helped me realize a lot of things. It came at the perfect time in my life. It helped me realize that anything I wanted to do was completely and totally up to me. I didn't have to listen to my parents anymore. It doesn't matter if my grandma wants me to be a doctor. I can make my own choices, be my own person. This song helped me realize my love for what I truly want to do as an occupation. It helped me to see that no matter what you do, someone is always going to disapprove, so there's a time and a place to just screw 'em and do what is best for yourself.

Finally, Between the Trees



They were the most listened to band in my car other than The Format during my senior year. They have beautiful lyrics and sing about stuff that is important to me. It would be worthwhile to look them up :)

Something You Never Get Compliments On

Spontaneity.
I wish I was more spontaneous. It's odd, because my two best friends, David and Texas are the definition of spontaneity. They just fly by the seat of their pants. It's something I can't do. I always have to plan things out and work things through in my head. If it doesn't work, I don't do it. I never get complimented on being adventurous or easy-going or friendly. Haha I just don't work that way I suppose.

A whole mash up of my thoughts

I feel like I have so much going through my mind lately. This post may be kind of long, so I apologize in advance.

My fantastic roommate Dani bought me a present over the weekend!! It's a notebook with this album cover on it:



I'm in love with it <3 data-blogger-escaped-br="br">
I've been thinking lately that I want a journal or something not to write down what happened during the day, but just for thoughts. Random things that go through my head. Poems and quotes that I like. So this came at just the right time, and it's going to be my new thought notebook :)

A couple of my major thoughts lately have been regarding Sweeney Todd and technology.
1-Sweeney Todd:
Could possibly be my favorite musical ever. If I had any musical talent whatsoever and could choose a show to be in, it would be this one. The lyrics are absolutely BRILLIANT. And I love the story line. Maybe that's morbid. Whatever. It's amazing.

2-Technology:
Technology really is amazing. We are so privileged to have it, but so many people take it for granted. This first occurred to me when I was in Washington D.C. for our We The People trip. I called Kenzie and talked to her, and we constantly texted. It's amazing to me that messaging can travel instantaneously over thousands and thousands of miles. I've recently been thinking of it because one of my best friends, Mandy, is in Mexico. We can facebook and talk whenever we want to. We're in different COUNTRIES, but we can still talk to each other and communicate almost as effectively as we could if she was sitting next to me. I'm just really grateful for it, I suppose.

Now for this weekend :)
I just hung out by myself on Friday, because all of my roommates went home for the weekend. Saturday I got to see Ashley :) I love her. I haven't loaded pictures from this weekend so here's an older one of us:



We went to my friend's wedding together.  Ashley got baked :) haha. So it was kind of a struggle getting to the actual wedding. We took a multitude of wrong turns and got turned around so many times. And then after the wedding we ate chicken nuggets :) This is John and Megan, and their wedding was pretty.



I'm happy for them :)

Now for the thirty day challenge.
Someone I need to let go, or someone that i wish i had never met.
For some reason I'm having trouble thinking of someone. I think I'm going to take a cop-out on this one and skip to day eleven, with this reasoning:
Everyone that has come into my life has had a lasting effect on me. It may have been good or it may have been bad. But the fact is, I don't want to let go of any of the experiences and relationships I've had. Even if they've been derogatory or unhealthy, I still learned from them, and am ultimately glad that they happened.

So, number 11:
Something people seem to compliment the most on.
The compliment I get most often is that I'm non-judgmental. Truthfully, everyone starts out at hate status for me. Everyone. Even the people who are now my best friends started out at hatred. I may form opinions before I meet people, I think that's part of human nature. The thing that I'm good at is letting go of preconceived notions, and generally accepting people for who they are. I don't care if you're fat, skinny, white, black, mexican, gay, straight, nerdy, attractive, or ugly. If our personalities connect, I'll be your friend. And I'll fight for your right to be whatever you want to be.

I think that's all for tonight. :)

7-Someone who has made your life worth living for

There are so many people who I owe so much to. Alexa and Ashley. . Texas, David and Megan. Noelle, Colton, Shaylie, Moriah. The list goes on and on. So many of these people have helped me in so many different ways, with so many different struggles.

But the person in my mind who makes my life worth living is Liz. My beautiful little sister Elizabeth. She's the one I'm most excited to see when I come home. She's the one I don't want to disappoint, who I want to set a good example for. She knows every last one of my secrets, and I know hers.



She's gorgeous :)



She's my little mini-me. She likes the same books, the same food as me. She tells people her favorite movie is Mean Girls because that's mine. She stopped playing violin and started playing sports because that's what I do.



She's my best friend. I don't ever want to let her down. I want to always be there for her and look up to her more than anyone else. She has made my life worth living.

5-Something You Hope To Do In Your Life

This has been my favorite of the 30 so far. It gives me a chance to be idealistic and maybe even unrealistic for a period of time. So, follows is a list of things I would LOVE to do, but probably never will unless I become incredibly rich or fall upon several spots of good luck:

-Be a professional baseball statistician.
Oh man. This has always been my profession that I've dreamed about but never really thought to be realistic. How awesome would it be to keep stats for a major league team, travel with them , and see a great game every day of your life. It would be paradisaical.

-Go sky diving.
Yup. typical dream. But the rush of actually hurling yourself out of a plane would be incredible. And a once in a lifetime experience.

-Go on an archaeological dig.
I know. It's nerdy. When I was little I read this Nancy Drew book where she gets invited to go along on a dig in Peru. It talked all about it, and I was absolutely fascinated with it. It pretty much sounded like the life, out all day playing in the dirt with people you really like.

-Become a pilot.
I don't think I would want a commercial pilot license. You'd have to be away from your family too much. But freak, if I ever got rich enough, you better believe I'd buy a private jet/helicopter for personal use.

-Meet a president.
Obviously, I'd prefer it be a democrat :) But I'm not picky. I'd like to do more than just meet them though. I'd like to have at least a short conversation. I feel like I'd have to do something substantially important for this to happen though.

-Spend a month in Washington, D.C. A week was not nearly long enough.
When I went to D.C. for We The People nationals I fell in love with the city. I wanted to see everything there was to see, but we didn't have time. I'm going to live back east someday. Back in the center of culture and history. I'm gonna see all the sights of American political and revolutionary history. Maybe I'll be an intern in the white house. That'll kill two birds with one stone :)

There's so many other ridiculous little things I would love to do. But really, I just want to help people. I know that sounds corny and overused and insincere, but it's true. I want to be a mental health and substance abuse counselor. I know too many people who suffer from these issues, and I want to help them get their lives straightened out.

Something I Love About Myself-Day 2

Not gonna lie, this was a lot harder than I anticipated it to be. I kept thinking of stupid little things like, "I'm independent," or "I can be optimistic." But those weren't working out.
The thing that I love most about myself is that I Am Me.

When I was younger I found it a constant struggle to be myself. First grade, I got the same set of colored pencils as Kylee Webb, because everyone liked her. Second grade, I wore overalls to school every day, because Mary Bowen did too.
Third grade I was the class genius, because I wanted to beat Jill Stapely.
Fourth grade I did everything Britney Hoffman did.
Fifth grade I bought the same jeans as Mckenna Lewis, because she was the coolest girl in our grade.
Sixth and seventh grade I followed Audrey Jardine around like a puppy, because I didn't know who to be. I was in choir and a school play because she was in both of them.
Eighth grade I wanted to be funny and cool like Katelyn Koford and Melissa Huber.
Ninth grade I was helpless without Jenna Knight and Emily Blake.
Tenth grade was when I finally learned to stop. Stop being a clone of someone else. Stop trying to be someone I'm not. Stop acting like a bitch because that's how my friend of the week acted.
Just stop.
It was then that I formed my own persona, and now, I am generally one hundred percent comfortable with myself. I'll wear sweats to class with no make-up, while my roommates will wake up hours early to prepare.
My mouth lacks a filter, which can sometimes get me in trouble, but overall makes me genuine.
I do what I like to do-Not because someone else likes to do it.
I have my own extremely strong opinions-no one's going to change that.
I Am Me. And I am Okay.

Something I Hate About Myself--Day 1

So, I'm doing this challenge called 30 days of truth. It gives you a topic a day to write about, and is supposed to be quite enlightening. You're never supposed to write about the first thing you think of; the second or third thing in line is usually much more meaningful.

I have played almost every sport in the book. I've done any activity you can think of. I've taken a variety of classes. But in every single one of these things I just float by. I can be trying my very hardest, but still end up just being average. I'm 101 in a class of 412, 2nd or 3rd place in every debate I've ever done. I'm that person who never gets promoted, who tries and always succeeds, but someone else succeeds faster or higher up than.

There always seems to be someone better than me out there. Always.
Debate: Dixon and Justin
Rifle: Shelby
Softball: Kenzie
Racquetball: Brittany
Basketball: Dani
Volleyball: Liz
Intelligence: David
The list goes on and on. Someone is always better than me. I've never been the person to save the day for my team, or come in first. That's what I hate the most about myself. I'm not extraordinary in anything; just ordinary.

The Post In Which I Eat My Words

So, I know I'm long overdue for a post. And a whole lot has happened since I posted last. Firstly. I GOT A TATTOOOOOOO! I am completely in love with it. Here is a picture:



It's for TWLOHA. It was one of the scariest moments of my life. I seriously was almost crying before it even started I was so scared. It took about an hour to do, and didn't actually hurt that bad, except for when it hit bone. He said I bled a lot though, which kind of freaked me out. Now it just feels like a sunburn, and it's kind of scabby and nappy, but that should go away soon :) I told my dad. And I think he is going to tell my Mom. But he was going to wait until after I left town. Smart man, he is. Oh and my sister knows as well.

I might actually fail out of school. Seriously. My classes this semester are incredibly hard. I don't know how i'm gonna pull this off. I took a biology test today, and am hoping for a 50% on it. That's how bad it went.

So, the eat my words part of this post:
I LOVE MY ROOMMATES. Yup.
Miss Karlee Brown turned out to practically be my twin.

We both HATE feet, LOVE cholula, and sleep on the opposite end of the bed among other things.

Dani:

dani is pretty chill. she parties. and i just really love her :)

brittany:

she and I have different interests, so sometimes it's kind of hard to understand her. Like she does horse shows and stuff that I know nothing about. But she's generally isnanely nice and fun to be with :)

Aaaand Morgan:


She generally is really sweet, truthfully.
We have a lot more in common than I orginally thought.

So yes. I made some pre-judgements. But you've gotta remember, everyone starts out at hate status with me. EVERYONE. There is no exception. And most of my roommates have gotten way out of hate status. Which is good :) They're a lot of fun and generally are really chill. I'm not super close to any of them, but I'm comfortable with all of them.