Friday, October 29, 2010

Marathon

Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.


It is currently 3:14 am. I have no chance of going to sleep any time soon. Thus, I'm going to do a mass post and finish almost all of my 30 day challenge. The very last one I'm saving. I don't know if I can do it yet. But here goes:
26: I don't know if I've thought about it any more than the average teenager does. I don't really have a comparison, so I'm not sure on this one. I have thought many, many times about kind of quitting life, if that makes sense. Like, go on living, but instead of going to college and becoming a functioning member of society, I would just move to hawaii and live on the beach and never go anywhere in life. I wouldn't have the stress of trying to get good grades, or worry about money. I could make it as a bum. And even if I couldn't, I would die doing something that I wanted to do. It would be going out on my own terms, in a way.

27: What's the best thing going for me right now? Honestly, not much.  I'm keeping optimistic, and trying to keep truckin on, but it's getting ridiculous. I'm out of money, I'm failing biology, I'm going to lose my scholarship, I'm not getting scheduled enough at work, I hate being at my apartment, I haven't made any really close friends this year, and I have no love life to speak of. I don't know where I'm headed, I don't know what I believe in, and I don't know if I want to believe in anything. I've actually been quite pensive about this lately. I look at people who have a religion in their lives, and they seem so incredibly happy. But every single time I try to turn myself around and go back to how I was raised, something bites me in the butt. It never works out for me. So honestly, if someone was to hold a gun to my head and demand to know what the best thing I had going for me was right at that instant, I would say that the highlight of my life currently is getting to talk to my little sister and mom as often as I want to. They keep me sane.

28: If I was pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would I do? I would cry. I would call someone. I would panic for a good long time. I would tell the person who got me pregnant and try and figure things out from there. I know that I would NOT get an abortion. Not ever. I don't know if I would give him/her up for adoption, or keep him/her. I guess it would depend on my circumstances at the time, and who the father was.

29: Something I hope to change about myself, and why.
I want to believe in something. I am one of the most skeptical, literal, logical thinkers I know. I don't take anything just on principle; I've got to dig deeper and find the reasons and explanations behind it. I don't know what I want to eventually believe in, but that's the ultimate goal. I want to be able to know without a doubt that something is real and legitimate and true and beautiful. If I can find that, I'll die at peace. The reason why is because I'm sick of being so skeptical. I just want to know that something is beautiful and real. If I can find that out about the world, I can live with myself.

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