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My head has just been a huge jumble of thoughts lately, which I know probably makes reading this confusing. This post is to sort out everything that's been going through my head and what I've been feeling lately.

Religion:

I believe:

-There is some type of higher power.

-That he does give us feelings or "promptings" if that's what you want to call them.

-That he doesn't care about religion*

-That he just wants me to be a good person.

*the thing that's confusing about this statement is that lately I've been feeling like I should be part of some religion. I don't know what one, but I've felt empty and felt like I needed to be part of something...

Growing up:

-I want to keep in contact with certain people.

-The harsh reality is that I probably won't see many of them again.

-An instance of this is Dani. We've only known each other since the end of August and I feel really close to her. She is leaving after this semester is over, so unfortunately I feel like I'll never see her again. I know that we'll say that we'll keep in touch and talk and text all the time, but the truth is that things can never be the same. It frustrates and saddens me quite a bit.

Some days I'm positive that I want to do something with my life. I want to be big. I want to be a Smithfield success story. And sometimes I want things to be exactly the same. I want to be in college forever, learning and meeting people and not having any responsibility other than being a manager at McDonald's. At different times, both things appeal to me A LOT. I don't know where I'm heading in life.

Just a couple of weeks ago I was positive that I wanted to be a substance abuse counselor. Now my vision is cloudy, and I don't know if I still want to pursue that career. Truthfully, I have no idea what I want. What I really want more than anything else in my life is to never grow up. Ever. I just want to stay 18 and play with David and Texas at their same ages for the rest of my life.

There's a couple of songs lately that have been sticking with me for a long time. I'm probably just reading into them too much, but here are my thoughts on them:

Big Casino-Jimmy Eat World.

"I'm the one who gets away
I'm a New Jersey success story
And they'll say Lord give me the chance to shake that hand
They'll say fuck up"

I want to be that person. I want to be the one who gets away from little Happy Valley Utah and do something big and meaningful in my life .

The First Single-The Format

"I've been waiting all this time to be, something I can't define
So let's cause a scene, clap our hands and stomp our feet or something,
yeah something I've just got to get myself over me"

"You know the night life is just not for me
'Cause all you really need are a few good friends
I don't want to go out and be on my own"

Both of these are excerpts from the song, and they both have meant a lot to me lately. Especially the 'I've just got to get myself over me.' And the 'cause all you really need are a few good friends.' Those have both been ringing extremely true in my life latey.

Gravity-Sara Bareilles

"something always brings me back to you.

It never takes too long.

No matter what else I do.

I still feel you here, 'til the moment I'm gone."

This song has always meant a lot to me in the terms of addiction. I have a very real addiction. It's hard to get past, and no matter how hard I try it's always lurking around the corner, waiting to creep up on me when I'm down. Ready to suck me back into it's addictive grasp.

Anyway. That's what's been going on in my head lately. It probably doesn't make much sense, but it's all I got right now.