First things first, I'm the realest

I think a lot of times, we justify our social media usage by telling ourselves that it helps us get to know someone and keep connected. But recently I've been thinking that social media doesn't tell us anything about a person. It tells us what they do. It broadcasts the best aspects of their life. But it doesn't tell us who they are. I am just as guilty as the next person. Often I feel inauthentic by what I post on social media; you're all allowed to see that I have a group of friends who bought me presents on my birthday, but not that birthdays make me cry. I broadcast the fact that I got hired at my dream job, but keep quiet about feeling inadequate about that job.

I just feel like, on my road to authenticity, it's time for me to make a step towards vulnerability and openness. With that in mind, here are some of the things that make me Katy:

I have frightening road rage.  I let myself be defined by what has happened to me as opposed to who I am. I have a doubtful, skeptical heart. I get legitimately angry when someone uses the word "legitly." My mind spins extremely negatively.  I am a TERRIBLE singer. I hold grudges and can still recite words that I've been hurt by. I am afraid of the dark. I am overly competitive.  I expect perfection from myself. I get annoyed with people when they don't reciprocate in a relationship. I am emotionally distant. I compare my abilities with others 100% of the time. I'm an addict. I am terrified of being in a relationship. I avoid conversations with people who I think are smarter than me out of intimidation. I still have zits as an adult and it infuriates me. I despise being vulnerable. I get jealous when people I love spend time with other people. I am nervous in front of my classes every single day.  My left eye twitches when someone compliments me and I don't believe them. I bite my nails to the point of bleeding. I am afraid of not living up to people's expectations. I spend too much time on tumblr. I am bad at learning the names of boys in my classes.  I am terrified of change. My front tooth is chipped.

BUT

I LOVE babies and kids. I take jokes too far. I gag and cry when I laugh really hard. I can make a very convincing elephant noise. I love storytelling and hearing other people's stories.  I am hyperbolic in almost everything I do. I am obsessed with several Broadway musicals. I love strawberries and spicy food, but not together. I read quotes when I'm sad and have a huge collection of favorites on my phone. I can type faster than anyone I've met. I take pictures so I can look back and be nostalgic. I am a good listener.  I think juxtaposed humor is the best humor and internal rhyme will instantly bring a giant grin to my face.  I can rap all of "Downtown." I take my students' problems home with me and pray for them all constantly. The color yellow makes me smile.  I write my thoughts in my books while I read. Fewer things bring me greater joy than brand new school supplies. I fold all my garbage into squares and lint roll my bedspread more often than is healthy.

And all of this is what makes me human, and I'm going to be okay with it.
This is my authentic self.

Silver Linings

This week has been one of those weeks where everything that can go wrong does. My filing cabinet locked itself with all my tests inside. The outlets in my classroom stopped working. My google drive deleted a bunch of vocabulary tests and syllabus(syllabi?) I had built. My car needed fixed. The list goes on. Whenever I'm having those days or weeks, I try to make lists of things that are making me happy. It's definitely a juvenile, simple way to cope with things, but it's certainly helpful. Here is a list of some of the things that made me happy this week:

Conversations made up entirely of gifs
Indexing obituaries
The fact that my best friend is a wife and mother but still allows me to send her ridiculous videos of me waxing my legs
Moving day in 9 days!
All the deep cleaning that has been brought about due to moving day
Ed Sheehran
My 4th hour class calling me Mama E.
Guard tryouts in 2 and a half weeks. This break has been long enough.
The Nacho Feminism Club that was started in my room.
Coloring mandalas
Cross stitching
Drives with friends
My eucalyptus scentsy
Learning new tosses
Learning new anything, really
The Illuminati twitter account
Electric signs that form other words when one of their letters burns out
Baking
Furnishing the new apartment
Sugar scrubs
Bruno Mars Pandora
My car functioning properly...finally
Getting my official diploma from Utah State and my teaching license
The new Postsecret app
Having adult friends

And many more. Life is ultimately good.