New Blog

I'm starting a new blog. It's all about religion. If you don't want to read it, that's fine :) But from now on my updates about my life and such will be here, and my ramblings on deep thought will be at midnightswithmckenna.blogspot.com

Events and things

I feel like these last couple of days have been so eventful....but not really :)

Let's see. I went home with Dani this weekend and had a BLAST! It seriously was so much fun. I loved her family and her sister's sweet 16 party and just pretty much everything. We went to HARRY POTTER 7!! And it was life changing. I LOVED it. so good. Ah. I can't even get over it. I got to see Lumber jack and John :) We played games and built a snowman and watched frightening movies. That was also quite fun. Then I got to see Sister Lunt, my old young women's leader. She was basically the person responsible for keeping me going to church as long as I did. She's amazing. I'm so glad I got to see her. This is her:

Haha she dressed up as Shaun White for halloween. She's great :)

I came home on Monday and it was freaking scary and I almost died. The person right in front of me went off the road and I never saw him again.

and mostly, I'm just glad to be home.

I missed my family so so much. I love them :) Even with all their ridiculousness, I wouldn't trade them for anything.

I'm a bad ass

Today I covered up my fist with a sweatshirt and PUNCHED THROUGH A PANE OF GLASS. True fact. I'm not even making this up. My friend broke her window and we had to get all the glass out before we could get it replaced. And we couldn't get half of it out so I punched it. It all came out. I was pretty proud of it. :)

I imagine it looked something like this :) Mainly just because I love Tina Fey with a fiery burning passion. Yup.

Other happenings:

-I've received THREE missionary letters this week, each one making me happier than the last.

-I'm going home with Dani and Brittany this weekend. I get to see Lumberjack and Elastigirl, which I'm excited for :)

-I got all of Thanksgiving break off, so I getta go home and see my family.

That's about it :)

More thankfulness

Things I am excited for :)

Thanksgiving Break:

Summer Vacation:

Spring Break in St. George:

Leaving Ephraim:

My new tattoo:

Harry Potter 7:

Graduation:

Easy A to come out on DVD:

Christmas:

:) :) :)

Giving Thanks

So I have recently realized that I do a lot of complaining on here. Which I try to justify by saying that it's my blog/journal so I can say what I want. So I'm just gonna have a little thankfulness post :)

THINGS I AM THANKFUL FOR:

My family:

Subway sandwiches:

Music:

Warm Blankets:

David and Texas:

This is one of my favorite pictures ever of us three :)

Ashley and Alexa:

A job:

Modern technology:

aaaaand Diet coke:

And many other people and things that I don't have time to find pictures for. I still love all of you :)

Get me out of here

I have never wanted to be home with my family in my entire life more than I have this week. I mean I love my family and all, and we've had some differences, but I can't stand this place anymore. I want to go home over Thanksgiving and just be with them. At this point in time I don't even care if I get to see David or Texas. I REALLY miss my mom and I REALLY miss Liz. I started crying just thinking about it today. All my roommates go home every single weekend to see their families, and I haven't seem them in over a month. I know that doesn't sound long at all, and I don't know why I'm so emotional about it. I just miss them. I'm sure part of it had to do with this essay Liz wrote about me. I got all teary after reading it yesterday. Here it is:

The one person in the whole world I can count on is my sister, Katy. She is my best friend and is always there for me. I can tell Katy anything and I know she can listen and understand what is going on with with I need and want to talk about. The fact we are sisters does mean we fight. When we do though, we get over it quickly. Some of them may be stupid, but we are sisters so what do you expect? Katy is someone who will confide with me and we both know that we can trust each other. It is such a cool thing to have someone so close to you to count on and have a strong feeling of trust. Katy is in Ephraim right now and it is so weird to not have her across the hallway when I want to talk. She is not afraid to speak her mind and that is something I admire greatly about her. Also, she is kind of the 'rebel' of the family in my mind so she doesn't follow the pack. Katy is the one and only person in the whole world that I can really, truly trust because I have spent my entire life with her building a relationship that I know will last a really long time. I love her and can't wait to see her again next week.

She called it "The Person I Can Count On"

I miss her so so much. And I miss my mom. More than I ever thought I would. We haven't been able to talk as much as I would like to this week because my phone has been broken. I hate it. I miss my dad. I watched The Last Song the other day, and I cried my eyes out when her dad died. And I wanted to do nothing but call my dad and talk to him and hear his voice and hear what was going on in his life. But I couldn't because of my stupid phone.

I love these two so much. They mean the world to me. I'm so sick and tired of Ephraim. I want to go home.

Sorting

My head has just been a huge jumble of thoughts lately, which I know probably makes reading this confusing. This post is to sort out everything that's been going through my head and what I've been feeling lately.

Religion:

I believe:

-There is some type of higher power.

-That he does give us feelings or "promptings" if that's what you want to call them.

-That he doesn't care about religion*

-That he just wants me to be a good person.

*the thing that's confusing about this statement is that lately I've been feeling like I should be part of some religion. I don't know what one, but I've felt empty and felt like I needed to be part of something...

Growing up:

-I want to keep in contact with certain people.

-The harsh reality is that I probably won't see many of them again.

-An instance of this is Dani. We've only known each other since the end of August and I feel really close to her. She is leaving after this semester is over, so unfortunately I feel like I'll never see her again. I know that we'll say that we'll keep in touch and talk and text all the time, but the truth is that things can never be the same. It frustrates and saddens me quite a bit.

Some days I'm positive that I want to do something with my life. I want to be big. I want to be a Smithfield success story. And sometimes I want things to be exactly the same. I want to be in college forever, learning and meeting people and not having any responsibility other than being a manager at McDonald's. At different times, both things appeal to me A LOT. I don't know where I'm heading in life.

Just a couple of weeks ago I was positive that I wanted to be a substance abuse counselor. Now my vision is cloudy, and I don't know if I still want to pursue that career. Truthfully, I have no idea what I want. What I really want more than anything else in my life is to never grow up. Ever. I just want to stay 18 and play with David and Texas at their same ages for the rest of my life.

There's a couple of songs lately that have been sticking with me for a long time. I'm probably just reading into them too much, but here are my thoughts on them:

Big Casino-Jimmy Eat World.

"I'm the one who gets away
I'm a New Jersey success story
And they'll say Lord give me the chance to shake that hand
They'll say fuck up"

I want to be that person. I want to be the one who gets away from little Happy Valley Utah and do something big and meaningful in my life .

The First Single-The Format

"I've been waiting all this time to be, something I can't define
So let's cause a scene, clap our hands and stomp our feet or something,
yeah something I've just got to get myself over me"

"You know the night life is just not for me
'Cause all you really need are a few good friends
I don't want to go out and be on my own"

Both of these are excerpts from the song, and they both have meant a lot to me lately. Especially the 'I've just got to get myself over me.' And the 'cause all you really need are a few good friends.' Those have both been ringing extremely true in my life latey.

Gravity-Sara Bareilles

"something always brings me back to you.

It never takes too long.

No matter what else I do.

I still feel you here, 'til the moment I'm gone."

This song has always meant a lot to me in the terms of addiction. I have a very real addiction. It's hard to get past, and no matter how hard I try it's always lurking around the corner, waiting to creep up on me when I'm down. Ready to suck me back into it's addictive grasp.

Anyway. That's what's been going on in my head lately. It probably doesn't make much sense, but it's all I got right now.

Excited :)

So I'm all registered for classes next semester, and I'm SO EXCITED. I love learning things so much. And next semester it's almost all classes that i want to take :) I've got interdisciplinary science, which should be okay. Except it's at 7:30 in the morning. That's gonna be hard to get to for sure. I've got Spanish 1020 with my favorite teacher here at Snow, professor Jensen. I've got racquetball from coach Atwood, who is the shiz. I've got social problems from Brenchley jr., and an intro to film class that is making it so I don't have to take a music class :) If I lose my scholarship I'll probably drop social problems and just work a whole lot so i can afford to say in. The chances of this happening are approximately 95 percent. i just don't see my keeping my scholarship happening. Booo. Also-Thanksgiving break is happening in either 10 or 14 days, depending on if my lab gets cancelled. I REALLY hope it does. I wanna see my family. and David.

What a night :)

So tonight was incredibly eventful. At first it started out boring, but it surely did not end that way. I went to work and got home at about ten-thirty. I decided to try and scrub my drunken mural off the wall. PS, purple finger paint DOES NOT COME OFF. Just so you're all aware. So I'd been scrubbing for about an hour when all of a sudden the music in Morgan and Karlee's room turns on real loud. I texted Dani to find out where everyone was, and I was the only one home. So I was freaked right on out. I went over to Katherine's to wait for them to get home because I was so creeped out.

So they get home and we decide that we're going to go on a longboarding adventure. So we go out to the parking lot in the AC and are just messing around. Morgan and Brittany are throwing woodchips at the window of the apartment they had just watched a movie in. So the guys from that apartment come out and start throwing down all sorts of stuff. They threw an egg, a bunch of water bottles, a roll of caution tape, and a fire extinguisher. Then they invited us up.

So we went up to hang out with them, and they are crazy. They're playing Xbox and just being ridiculous. They're a little bit loud, but not really. So we're all just sittin there, Dani, Brittany, Morgan and I on a couch, and two or three of them on another couch watching some kid play Xbox and playing with a rope. So there's this knock on the door, and the guys assume it's the people below them asking them to be a little quieter.

So he opens the door, and there's two cops on the doorstep. They come in and say that there was a noise complaint. He starts asking us what we're doing and such. Then he tells us that if there's another noise complaint from the same apartment that we'd all be arrested. Wow. Such bull. So he shuts us down and we all have to leave and go home. So we're sitting in our living room and talking, and Dani decides to go out and see if they've left yet. She's done it a couple times, and 45 minutes later they're still there. So she goes out to look again. 30 seconds leader we hear running footsteps, Dani comes in and slams the door, flips the light out, and tells us all to not make a noise.

Apparently what happened is this: Dani went outside and walked down the stairs a little bit to see if they were still there. They were walking up the sidewalk towards our apartment. They say "Hey you!" And Dani turns and faces them. So then they yell "That's the girl from the apartment." And Dani just books it. That's when she comes back into our apartment. So we're all sitting in our living room, deathly quiet, and we keep hearing footsteps going up and down the hallway outside our apartment and up the steps. We tripped out for a while and then just decided to go to bed, where I am currently :) It was quite an adventure.

In other news:

I'm going to church on Sunday. Unfortunately it's stake conference. I wish I was going during a regular meeting instead.

I talked to James and he made a lot of sense. He helped me figure a lot of stuff out.

I've decided what my next tattoo is going to be. I'm stealing Alexa's idea just a little bit. It's gonna say Coexist, but the C is going to be the Islam symbol, the X will be the star of David, and the T is going to be a cross. It's going to be done in white ink, and i'm getting it on the back of my neck at the base of my hairline. I'm really excited about it :) That's about all for now, I think. I've got to prepare for a presentation that I have to give at 8 tomorrow morning....So I'm done for the night :)

Weirdest dream of my life

So I had the weirdest dream in my life the other night. I'm gonna try and figure out where all the different parts of the dream came from.

So it starts off and David, Ben Stevens, Dixon Barton, some random girl and myself are in this hallway, which looks like a hallway at Sky View. They tell me that they have some drugs, and so I agree to go with them. We end up sitting on a bench on my grandma's porch. The three guys are all smoking joints, and the girl and I have this huge bag full of tiny colored candies, which apparently contain cannabis. So we each eat a handful and sit back and let the feeling wash over us.

So we're there for a while when a random short, really skinny Mexican guy walks up to the porch. We all stash out stuff under blankets and such, but he searches us. He finds the joints and the bag of candies, and he arrests us. He puts us into the back of his car, and off we go.

We drive to this huge, random building; I have no idea where I've seen it before or what it is. We go inside and register and they put bright blue bracelets on us really tightly. Like the kind you get when you go to the gym that just tear off.

So we all go upstairs into this huge room and apparently take the class. I have no memory of the class itself.

We all leave the classroom after being told that we passed, and we are dancing down the halls and celebrating that we didn't get into any more trouble. So we're walking out the door, and we run into Aly Johnson, Chris Cannel, and James Mitchell. They're also all wearing the bright blue bracelets. We immediately start laughing hysterically at the fact that those three were in the same drug class as us. I didn't see them for the rest of the dream.

So I went home, and my mom didn't know anything that had happened. I ripped off the blue bracelet, because apparently in this dream, blue bracelets were kind of a social stigma; like if you had one it meant you were a bad person. So I ripped it off, and right after I wished that I hadn't. I kind of wanted to go around wearing this blue bracelet, I just didn't want my mom to find out.

So a couple days later I end up going to church. The entire meeting was about how you should keep your body clean and use no drugs, legal or illegal. So after the meeting I was wandering around and all these people were looking at me and glaring at me and talking about how they hadn't ever seen me before and didn't want me there. So the relief society president stood up and started talking, and it happened to be Shelby Smith. She turned around and made the following announcement: “I really need to talk to everyone who got arrested over the weekend.” Everyone kind of started the murmuring and talking among each other, wondering who had got arrested and what they had done and so forth. So then she read off a list of names. Naturally I was first. She called out my name and it was like I had just screamed a list of obscenities out. People's faces whipped around and glared at me, which was odd because I thought they didn't know who I was. So I went up to Shelby, and I don't really remember anything else.

The only other thing was that there was random guest appearances by people from high school, like Chloe Bitter was in my ward. The other really weird thing was this group of girls that was in my ward. They were all bleached blonde and talked like they were a bunch of uneducated morons. And I asked them what they were, and they told me that they were a group of astronaut cheerleaders who were home for a space landing.

So I can kind of see where some of this is coming from. The random people from high school I'm sure is because I was creeping on their facebook pages.  And Ben and Dixon and David are the only people that I would ever do drugs with....so I can see where they came from. The random girl looked kind of familiar...I think she was in my english class this semester. But I have no idea why she was there.

I have no freaking idea how I ended up on my grandma's front porch...I guess David's been there, but I haven't just chilled on her porch in quite a while. So that was kind of confusing. 

The colored candies I think I know where they came from. I know it's super weird, but my roommates and I bought a gingerbread house the other day. It came with a huge bag of colored candies that you can decorate it with. It's just odd that they showed up in my dream as a narcotic.

I have no idea who the skinny Mexican was, or where the large building was. On the inside it kind of looked like the capitol building in D.C. The blue bracelets I'm thinking came from my idea of the A.C. They have all of these ridiculous bracelets you wear when you go in to work out, so that could be where that came from. I think the social stigma idea of it also came from the movie Easy A. She wears a bright red A on her clothes for adulterer, and it changes how people think of her. That's kind of what the blue bracelet did.

I don't know why I wanted to keep the blue bracelet on so bad....it almost seemed that I wanted to keep it on because it would give me some kind of identity. Everyone knew what that blue bracelet meant, and if they saw me with it, they would change their opinion of me. I don't really know why I thought this way.

I'm positive I ended up going to church because it's been on my mind A LOT lately. I think it was actually the last thing that I thought about before I fell asleep last night. I've been thinking about going back and what it would be like, and I think that's kind of where that section of my dream came from. I'm scared of what it will be like. However, the relief society president was really sweet. I think that's where that part came from. The relief society president was someone that I was comfortable with, just like in the ward that I would be going to here in Ephraim. I think that's where that came from, anyway. I'm afraid that something like that will happen at church and I'll be thought of as some kind of heathen freak. Like maybe I'll forget to take my cartilage piercing out or my shirt will be too see-through and everyone could see my tattoo. I think I would be looked at very differently if that happened.

As far as the space cheerleaders go....i have no freaking idea. Like at all. Holy freaking random. Any thoughts on any of this??