Conclusion

I have come to a conclusion regarding church here in Ephraim. Which I shall now state and explain my reasoning for.

I've decided that I'm going to give church one final chance. One of the things that bothers me about it so much is the people. But I know there are some really sweet people in this ward, and that wards can be extremely different depending on who the leaders and people in the ward are. So, I'm going to go to church a couple of times and see how it feels. If it works, then great. If not, I'm no worse off.

I just have been feeling empty lately. I've had a heavy heart and just felt like something was missing. Maybe this is it? Maybe not. I just don't know where else to go from here.

Halloweekend :)

This weekend has been fun, if not slightly boring. My roommates all left on Thursday, so I've been alone in my apartment until tonight.

On Friday Ashley and I watched Hocus Pocus (tradition) and The Uninvited. We got drinks and talked for a while and it was all good, healthy fun.

Last night I went to work and then Kylee came over. We got drunk off our asses on whiskey and made a mural on our wall out of finger paint :) We made eggs at four in the morning, spilled on the carpet, and watched I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry. Here is a picture of our mural :)

Funny story about this mural. Tonight I was sittin in my living room watching Employee of the Month when someone knocked on the door. So I got up and answered it. It was the relief society president and the elders quorum president. They were comin around handing out Ensign's and such. So I invited them in cause it was freezing and they seemed like they wanted to talk. The TV was on so I ran over to turn it off. I turned back around and they were both facing my wall and looking straight at it. Notice the large capitalized BEER on it. It was awkward. So I ran on over and stood in front of the beer while we were talking. The guy was all like, I don't think I know any of the girls in this apartment. So I explained that my roommates go home almost every weekend. And he said "well where have you been?" And I got all nervous and felt awkward and just said "I work a lot." Then Haley, the relief society president, who is actually one of the sweetest and most genuine people I have ever met, said "Katy's not Mormon. But she's just really great and comes to family night sometimes!!" And I grinned awkwardly and he was actually really chill and was also nice. I actually really like both of them. I feel like if I were to ever go back to church, everyone would need to be as genuine and non-judgmental as those two were tonight.

24 hours

In the past 24 hours I have:

-Watched Hocus Pocus

-Watched Forever Strong

-Watched The Uninvited

-Drank 2 32 oz diet Dr. Peppers

-Eaten half a pack of Oreos.

-NOT attended a single class.

-Eaten more pizza rolls than i am proud to admit.

-Read an entire book.

-Took 3 separate baths.

-And eaten a multitude of Tootsie Rolls.

Moral of the story: Sick days are the BEST!

Marathon

Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

It is currently 3:14 am. I have no chance of going to sleep any time soon. Thus, I'm going to do a mass post and finish almost all of my 30 day challenge. The very last one I'm saving. I don't know if I can do it yet. But here goes:

26: I don't know if I've thought about it any more than the average teenager does. I don't really have a comparison, so I'm not sure on this one. I have thought many, many times about kind of quitting life, if that makes sense. Like, go on living, but instead of going to college and becoming a functioning member of society, I would just move to hawaii and live on the beach and never go anywhere in life. I wouldn't have the stress of trying to get good grades, or worry about money. I could make it as a bum. And even if I couldn't, I would die doing something that I wanted to do. It would be going out on my own terms, in a way.

27: What's the best thing going for me right now? Honestly, not much.  I'm keeping optimistic, and trying to keep truckin on, but it's getting ridiculous. I'm out of money, I'm failing biology, I'm going to lose my scholarship, I'm not getting scheduled enough at work, I hate being at my apartment, I haven't made any really close friends this year, and I have no love life to speak of. I don't know where I'm headed, I don't know what I believe in, and I don't know if I want to believe in anything. I've actually been quite pensive about this lately. I look at people who have a religion in their lives, and they seem so incredibly happy. But every single time I try to turn myself around and go back to how I was raised, something bites me in the butt. It never works out for me. So honestly, if someone was to hold a gun to my head and demand to know what the best thing I had going for me was right at that instant, I would say that the highlight of my life currently is getting to talk to my little sister and mom as often as I want to. They keep me sane.

28: If I was pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would I do? I would cry. I would call someone. I would panic for a good long time. I would tell the person who got me pregnant and try and figure things out from there. I know that I would NOT get an abortion. Not ever. I don't know if I would give him/her up for adoption, or keep him/her. I guess it would depend on my circumstances at the time, and who the father was.

29: Something I hope to change about myself, and why.

I want to believe in something. I am one of the most skeptical, literal, logical thinkers I know. I don't take anything just on principle; I've got to dig deeper and find the reasons and explanations behind it. I don't know what I want to eventually believe in, but that's the ultimate goal. I want to be able to know without a doubt that something is real and legitimate and true and beautiful. If I can find that, I'll die at peace. The reason why is because I'm sick of being so skeptical. I just want to know that something is beautiful and real. If I can find that out about the world, I can live with myself.

Play List for David

1-Coffee Break-Metro Station

2-For the Longest Time-Billy Joel

3-What I Got-Sublime

4-My Life-Billy Joel

5-Tiny Cities Made of Ashes-Modest Mouse

6-Float On-Modest Mouse

7-That's What You Get-Paramore

8-Billie Jean-Michael Jackson

9-Tie the Rope-The Format

10-Dog Problems-The Format

1-Coffee Break-This song, along with Sublime, was constantly played during the summer after senior year. It stood for us growing up and apart, moving away, and becoming adults.

2-For the Longest Time-There are so many memories attached to this song. He would appreciate it.

3-What I Got-This song was also played constantly during the summer. It was the last song we listened to together before we moved away. We played it and drove around the block over and over and over with Texas, and we were all sobbing like babies.

4-My Life-Another favorite. Same as number 2.

5-Tiny Cities Made of Ashes-This was the first song David ever introduced me to.

6-Float On-Me David and Dixon had a band on rockband called perspiring philosophers. We kicked ass on this song.

7-That's What You Get-He hates this song. I would put it on there just to annoy him :)

8-Billie Jean-Another favorite from summer. It would either be this one or I Will Always Love You by Whitney Houston. Both incredibly fun to sing horribly.

9-Tie the Rope-This song is weird. David and I were listening to it one night on the way up to Idaho and it made us just decide to keep driving instead of turning around and going home. We drove around for hours listening to the same album.

10-Dog Problems-We have a dance to this song. A damn good dance, I might add. This is kind of the encompassing song of our friendship.

Something You Wish You Hadn't/Had Done In Your Life

There is not a single thing in my life that i would take back. There's been lots of ups and downs along the way, but they have all taught me something, whether important or trivial. There's a line from Hairspray that I love:

"The road was filled with twists and turns but that's the road that got us here."

I agree with that completely. I think that everyone's experiences shape them to be who they are, and if they're able to go back and change something, whether it would be to add something or take something away, it would change everything. I'll just be me.

St. George :)

This weekend has, so far, been fantastic. Dani and I have had a ton of fun, and Alexa and Dani hit it off quite well :) On Friday Dani and I left Ephraim at about nine-thirty. We drove like maniacs and got to Cedar with no gas left in my car. The gas light had gone on about twenty miles before so we just decided to risk it :) Cause we were on an adventure damnit!

So we pulled into St. George and awkwardly hung out at Alexa's until she got home. Luckily, she's got some really awesome roommates, Cierra and Haley, who are the sweetest girls ever. They were so nice and friendly!

Dani is....ridiculous :) But I love her! Here is a list of every joke that was made that I don't want to forget:

-Calling each other on the phone while in the same room.

-Holla atcho Gurrl!! G-Unit pi squared infinity divison symbol SUP!!

-Hook me up Taco Bell! HOOK ME UP!!!

-Davy, Davy Crocket

-My push up bra will help me get my man back!

-you can't drive barefoot

-you can't flick out someones eye with a towel.

-Day 512: Rough seas ahead.

-fancy cheese and wheat thins

-figner paints

-orange peel

-dixie rock

-why don't you grow a dick??

cafe rio

-easy a for the third time

So we get into st george and go to alexa's hosue and we plan. We get our delicious and expensive cheese and wheat thins (tradition) and promptly eat the whole thing between us. We then went to Mongolian Barbecue and Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory (more traditions). We went to see Easy A, which was AMAZING. It's my third time seeing it and I can't even get over it's amazingness. Then we went all the way out to Santa Clara so we could go to Fargo's....and it was still burned down :( We went to five guys instead, then came home and passed out.

Saturday we woke up and went to cafe rio for lunch. Then we went to wal-mart and bought finger paint and coke. :) Alexa had to go to work so me and Dani just hung out and ate leftovers and played brick breaker. For hours. No lie. Then we went to coldstone and waited for alexa to get off work. She finally got off, and we went up to dixie rock! It is absolutely GORGEOUS. You can see all of St. George spread out in front of you in lights and it is so fantastic. I loved it up there, I could have stayed up there for hours. We stayed up there for about an hour and just talked and looked out over the city. It was a blast. We then came home and talked some more and hung out with her crazy sweet roommates.

Except freaking Evie. Ugh. What a ho. She is so freaking annoying. I think she heard me talking shit on her....which I kind of feel bad about. I was talking about how I could just buy her contract right out from underneath her and move to St. George. But Evie heard as she was walking up the stairs and was real real pissy when she got in. Then freaking McCall got all angry cause I slept on her bed. It's not like I was in the sheets or anything, and she was gone for the night. I don't know why she got so freaking angsty about it. But she came in the next morning and was stomping around and all pissy. She needs to get over herself.

But this weekend has overall been marvelous. I love Dani even more than I already did! And I miss Alexa. A whole lot.

Changing the prompt

Alexa is a whore.

She changed the prompt and won't tell me what it is. Thus, i'm making up my own.

It is: If I had 15 minutes to evacuate my home before it was to be destroyed by a hurricane, what 10 things would I grab (not including people or pets). And it will blow hers out of the fucking water. So, in no particular order, here are my items:

Item 1: My rifle. It was a part of me for two years and there is a lot of sentimental value attached to it. I'm never gonna throw it away or anything. It might stay in a closet for a while, but it's going to be with me for a long time. :)

Item 2: My TWLOHA paraphernalia. This might be cheating...But I would grab both my shirts, my bag, my wristbands, and everything else. I'll also want that with me wherever I'm going to end up.

Item 3: My laptop. It's got all my music, pictures, documents, secrets, journal, everything on it. I would be kind of devastated if I lost it.

Item 4: My camera. It also has a lot of pictures on it, and I take A LOT of pictures.

Item 5: My blanket. It's adorable :) It's red and white and I just made it and I LOVE IT!

Item 6: My mp3. I neeeeeed it.

Item 7: My bookshelf, full of books. I neeeeeed those as well.

Item 8: My bag of string. Haha I know this sounds so so stupid. But making bracelets has been really stress relieving, and if there was a freaking hurricane heading for my house, it would help.

Item 9: My pillow. It's a comfort object.

Item 10: And finally, I would take....a coat or something of that sort. I guess I gotta be kind of practical :)

Gay Marriage

Alright. This is a touchy subject for me. I don't understand why people get so angsty about it. Look. It's two people who love each other. The divorce rate in the United States right now is 50%. I think straight couples are taking advantage of how easy it is for them to get married, divorced, and remarried. Gay couples have to try so much harder, and put so much more effort into getting married and having a child, so they're going to work a lot harder to make it work. They're not going to take their opportunity for granted.
They are two humans who are both making a mature, informed decision to be married. It's not like one of the people is mentally incompetent, or they're trying to marry an inanimate object. They both want to do it, they're not hurting anyone else by getting married, and they want to do it.
What goes on, behind closed doors, between two consenting adults, is no ones business but their own. Everyone needs to calm down and just let everyone do what they want to. It's love, who are they to stop it?

Lit-rr-a-churr

Oh my god. I can't even describe how much I love this prompt.

I swear to god that I chose A Million Little Pieces as one of mine even before I read Alexa's post. It's one of the ten books that I love enough to bring down to school with me. Amazing. I never realized how intense and hard it can be to overcome such a serious, mind-blowing addiction. It's done a couple things for me. A-steered me away from ever using such heavy drugs. B-helped me choose my future career, substance abuse counselor. It also contributed to my swearing like a sailor, but I think it's a trade-off that was worth it.



Book number 2: A Thousand Splendid Suns


This book is AMAZING. It, along with it's partner by the same author, Kite Runner, are two of the best books i have ever read. They both are in my top five Basically it's about this girl who lives in the Iraq/Iran/Afghanistan area. And it follows her throughout her life and shows how terribly women are treated over there. It's so so so so SO GOOD.

Book number 3: Impulse

Impulse was a life changer for me. The poetry is stunning both in how it is read and how it appears visually. It was really an eye-opener for me, as the first time I read it was during my senior year. It taught me a lot. It taught me that it was okay to hurt, and that no one is too good to have a deep dark secret. Everyone has got something. Everyone. Even the Mckenna Lewis' of the world have one. I read Impulse whenever I feel like things are going wrong. It always helps. Always. Ellen Hopkins is so good.



The final book: For One More Day, by Mitch Albom.
Everyone is so freaking obsessed with Tuesdays with Morrie. But I'm telling you, For One More Day is where it's at. It's the story of a man whose mom died suddenly years before. He has a dream where his mom comes back for one more day. He gets to do all the things he was neglecting while she was alive. This book made me just cherish life. You never know when things are going to go to shit. You never know when someone close to you will die, or when something bad will happen. You've gotta just keep trucking, and when you're skating on thin ice, you might as well tap dance, because you might not get another opportunity.

16-Something i could definitely live without.

I'm copying Alexa on this one, because I love her idea SO MUCH!
Sorry I always go off on little religion rants on here. It's just really frustrating to me.
For example, the other day I was standing in my kitchen cooking dinner and I got a phone call. It was a local number from smithfield, so I answered it. It was some guy from the stake presidency asking for people to come to the blood drive this week. I told him I would if I could, but I got a tattoo and so cannot donate for eleven more months. He got all sorts of angsty and sputtered and asked why and if I had talked to my bishop/family about it. And I calmly explained that it was a personal decision and that I had to go. And he kept freaking out so I just hung up. It's just incredibly annoying to me.
I know some people have excellent experiences with the religion of their choice, and I'm just fine with that. It just has never worked for me. I know you're supposed to look at the religion itself, and not the people in it, but I think the people in it play a pivotal role. So many people who tell everyone they are mormon are so so SO hypocritical. They drink, swear, have sex, whatever. And they judge. That's what pisses me off more than anything else. Mormon's are supposed to be these amazing people who love everyone equally, and they don't. My entire ward back home is filled with judging.
I think religion causes more problems than it fixes. There have been huge, bloody wars fought solely over religion. I think people can be truly amazing people, full of love and charity and who do good things and are honest and are FANTASTIC who have no religion at all. And that's fine. But the church I was raised in would say that they are still going to hell. I've posted this quote on here before, but I love it so much I'm putting it on here again:

"God is love, and he respects love. Whether it be the love between a parent and a child, man and a woman or friends. I dont think God cares about religion one bit. live your life the way you should. Dont hurt others, help those in need and love with all your heart. And if there is a heaven im sure you will be welcome."

Addicted

Someone or something you can't live without, because you've tried living without it.
Communication. Not just communication with anyone. Communication with 2 certain people:
My mom and sister.



I thought I was going to move away to college and talk to my mom maybe once a week; more likely once a month. It would just be a small chat, five or ten minutes at the most.
I thought I was going to move away and not need my mom and sister anymore. Not need her advice, or her help. Not need someone to vent on. Not need someone to cover for me when it was needed.
I was dead wrong. I talk to my mom 3 or 4 times a week. Always at least ten minutes; usually out conversations last upwards of an hour. I miss her so much. Same with my sister. They are the 2 greatest women I know. I'm blessed to have them in my lives. They've always been there for me. Always. They've stuck up for me and defended me, and they've always always been able to cheer me up. I love them both. So much.

Ode to The Format, Billy Joel, and Between the Trees

My dearest friend David Marshall introduced me to what I feel is the greatest band of all time: The Format.



I'm in love with them, with their music, with every single piece they have ever come out with. I know all the words, all the melodies. Everything. There's not very much of their stuff that is particularly applicable, but the tone of their music tends to take my mind off of things far better than any other music. One song that has been applicable to me, and thus will always have a special place in my heart, is Tune Out. In case you didn't notice, that's what my blog is called :) Here are the lyrics to the chorus:

I'll tap the brake while you crack the window
the smell of smoke is making my lungs explode
the 51 is backed up and too slow
let’s tune out by turning on the radio

And oh my love you’re all I need
Backed behind a frequency
They played this song an hour ago
But let's tune out
Let's tune out by turning on the radio

This basically describes mine, David's, and Texas' friendship perfectly. Except for the "my love" part haha. All of the moments we've had have involved music, driving around, and smoking. I love this song, and this band, more than any other music.

Second, Billy Joel.



Brendan Cannon, a personal hero of mine, introduced me to Billy Joel. I've been hooked ever since. He doesn't have an amazing voice, but many of his songs are extremely applicable to my life. Alexa's mom had a facebook status a while ago where she asked what everyone's song that described them was. After some thinking, I decided on "My Life" by Billy Joel.

Got a call from an old friend
We used to be real close
Said he couldn't go on the American way
Closed the shop, sold the house
Bought a ticket to the West Coast
Now he gives them a stand-up routine in L.A.

I don't need you to worry for me cause I'm alright
I don't want you to tell me it's time to come home
I don't care what you say anymore, this is my life
Go ahead with your own life, leave me alone

I never said you had to offer me a second chance
(I never said you had to)
I never said I was a victim of circumstance
(I never said)
I still belong, don't get me wrong
You can speak your mind
But not on my time

They will tell you, you can't sleep alone in a strange place
Then they'll tell you, you can't sleep with somebody else
Ah, but sooner or later you sleep in your own space
Either way it's okay to wake up with yourself

I don't need you to worry for me cause I'm alright
I don't want you to tell me it's time to come home
I don't care what you say anymore, this is my life
Go ahead with your own life, leave me alone

I never said you had to offer me a second chance
(I never said you had to)
I never said I was a victim of circumstance
(Of cirumstance)
I still belong, don't get me wrong
You can speak your mind
But not on my time

I don't care what you say anymore, this is my life
Go ahead with your own life, leave me alone

This song helped me realize a lot of things. It came at the perfect time in my life. It helped me realize that anything I wanted to do was completely and totally up to me. I didn't have to listen to my parents anymore. It doesn't matter if my grandma wants me to be a doctor. I can make my own choices, be my own person. This song helped me realize my love for what I truly want to do as an occupation. It helped me to see that no matter what you do, someone is always going to disapprove, so there's a time and a place to just screw 'em and do what is best for yourself.

Finally, Between the Trees



They were the most listened to band in my car other than The Format during my senior year. They have beautiful lyrics and sing about stuff that is important to me. It would be worthwhile to look them up :)

Something You Never Get Compliments On

Spontaneity.
I wish I was more spontaneous. It's odd, because my two best friends, David and Texas are the definition of spontaneity. They just fly by the seat of their pants. It's something I can't do. I always have to plan things out and work things through in my head. If it doesn't work, I don't do it. I never get complimented on being adventurous or easy-going or friendly. Haha I just don't work that way I suppose.

A whole mash up of my thoughts

I feel like I have so much going through my mind lately. This post may be kind of long, so I apologize in advance.

My fantastic roommate Dani bought me a present over the weekend!! It's a notebook with this album cover on it:



I'm in love with it <3 data-blogger-escaped-br="br">
I've been thinking lately that I want a journal or something not to write down what happened during the day, but just for thoughts. Random things that go through my head. Poems and quotes that I like. So this came at just the right time, and it's going to be my new thought notebook :)

A couple of my major thoughts lately have been regarding Sweeney Todd and technology.
1-Sweeney Todd:
Could possibly be my favorite musical ever. If I had any musical talent whatsoever and could choose a show to be in, it would be this one. The lyrics are absolutely BRILLIANT. And I love the story line. Maybe that's morbid. Whatever. It's amazing.

2-Technology:
Technology really is amazing. We are so privileged to have it, but so many people take it for granted. This first occurred to me when I was in Washington D.C. for our We The People trip. I called Kenzie and talked to her, and we constantly texted. It's amazing to me that messaging can travel instantaneously over thousands and thousands of miles. I've recently been thinking of it because one of my best friends, Mandy, is in Mexico. We can facebook and talk whenever we want to. We're in different COUNTRIES, but we can still talk to each other and communicate almost as effectively as we could if she was sitting next to me. I'm just really grateful for it, I suppose.

Now for this weekend :)
I just hung out by myself on Friday, because all of my roommates went home for the weekend. Saturday I got to see Ashley :) I love her. I haven't loaded pictures from this weekend so here's an older one of us:



We went to my friend's wedding together.  Ashley got baked :) haha. So it was kind of a struggle getting to the actual wedding. We took a multitude of wrong turns and got turned around so many times. And then after the wedding we ate chicken nuggets :) This is John and Megan, and their wedding was pretty.



I'm happy for them :)

Now for the thirty day challenge.
Someone I need to let go, or someone that i wish i had never met.
For some reason I'm having trouble thinking of someone. I think I'm going to take a cop-out on this one and skip to day eleven, with this reasoning:
Everyone that has come into my life has had a lasting effect on me. It may have been good or it may have been bad. But the fact is, I don't want to let go of any of the experiences and relationships I've had. Even if they've been derogatory or unhealthy, I still learned from them, and am ultimately glad that they happened.

So, number 11:
Something people seem to compliment the most on.
The compliment I get most often is that I'm non-judgmental. Truthfully, everyone starts out at hate status for me. Everyone. Even the people who are now my best friends started out at hatred. I may form opinions before I meet people, I think that's part of human nature. The thing that I'm good at is letting go of preconceived notions, and generally accepting people for who they are. I don't care if you're fat, skinny, white, black, mexican, gay, straight, nerdy, attractive, or ugly. If our personalities connect, I'll be your friend. And I'll fight for your right to be whatever you want to be.

I think that's all for tonight. :)

7-Someone who has made your life worth living for

There are so many people who I owe so much to. Alexa and Ashley. . Texas, David and Megan. Noelle, Colton, Shaylie, Moriah. The list goes on and on. So many of these people have helped me in so many different ways, with so many different struggles.

But the person in my mind who makes my life worth living is Liz. My beautiful little sister Elizabeth. She's the one I'm most excited to see when I come home. She's the one I don't want to disappoint, who I want to set a good example for. She knows every last one of my secrets, and I know hers.



She's gorgeous :)



She's my little mini-me. She likes the same books, the same food as me. She tells people her favorite movie is Mean Girls because that's mine. She stopped playing violin and started playing sports because that's what I do.



She's my best friend. I don't ever want to let her down. I want to always be there for her and look up to her more than anyone else. She has made my life worth living.

5-Something You Hope To Do In Your Life

This has been my favorite of the 30 so far. It gives me a chance to be idealistic and maybe even unrealistic for a period of time. So, follows is a list of things I would LOVE to do, but probably never will unless I become incredibly rich or fall upon several spots of good luck:

-Be a professional baseball statistician.
Oh man. This has always been my profession that I've dreamed about but never really thought to be realistic. How awesome would it be to keep stats for a major league team, travel with them , and see a great game every day of your life. It would be paradisaical.

-Go sky diving.
Yup. typical dream. But the rush of actually hurling yourself out of a plane would be incredible. And a once in a lifetime experience.

-Go on an archaeological dig.
I know. It's nerdy. When I was little I read this Nancy Drew book where she gets invited to go along on a dig in Peru. It talked all about it, and I was absolutely fascinated with it. It pretty much sounded like the life, out all day playing in the dirt with people you really like.

-Become a pilot.
I don't think I would want a commercial pilot license. You'd have to be away from your family too much. But freak, if I ever got rich enough, you better believe I'd buy a private jet/helicopter for personal use.

-Meet a president.
Obviously, I'd prefer it be a democrat :) But I'm not picky. I'd like to do more than just meet them though. I'd like to have at least a short conversation. I feel like I'd have to do something substantially important for this to happen though.

-Spend a month in Washington, D.C. A week was not nearly long enough.
When I went to D.C. for We The People nationals I fell in love with the city. I wanted to see everything there was to see, but we didn't have time. I'm going to live back east someday. Back in the center of culture and history. I'm gonna see all the sights of American political and revolutionary history. Maybe I'll be an intern in the white house. That'll kill two birds with one stone :)

There's so many other ridiculous little things I would love to do. But really, I just want to help people. I know that sounds corny and overused and insincere, but it's true. I want to be a mental health and substance abuse counselor. I know too many people who suffer from these issues, and I want to help them get their lives straightened out.