First things first, I'm the realest

I think a lot of times, we justify our social media usage by telling ourselves that it helps us get to know someone and keep connected. But recently I've been thinking that social media doesn't tell us anything about a person. It tells us what they do. It broadcasts the best aspects of their life. But it doesn't tell us who they are. I am just as guilty as the next person. Often I feel inauthentic by what I post on social media; you're all allowed to see that I have a group of friends who bought me presents on my birthday, but not that birthdays make me cry. I broadcast the fact that I got hired at my dream job, but keep quiet about feeling inadequate about that job.

I just feel like, on my road to authenticity, it's time for me to make a step towards vulnerability and openness. With that in mind, here are some of the things that make me Katy:

I have frightening road rage.  I let myself be defined by what has happened to me as opposed to who I am. I have a doubtful, skeptical heart. I get legitimately angry when someone uses the word "legitly." My mind spins extremely negatively.  I am a TERRIBLE singer. I hold grudges and can still recite words that I've been hurt by. I am afraid of the dark. I am overly competitive.  I expect perfection from myself. I get annoyed with people when they don't reciprocate in a relationship. I am emotionally distant. I compare my abilities with others 100% of the time. I'm an addict. I am terrified of being in a relationship. I avoid conversations with people who I think are smarter than me out of intimidation. I still have zits as an adult and it infuriates me. I despise being vulnerable. I get jealous when people I love spend time with other people. I am nervous in front of my classes every single day.  My left eye twitches when someone compliments me and I don't believe them. I bite my nails to the point of bleeding. I am afraid of not living up to people's expectations. I spend too much time on tumblr. I am bad at learning the names of boys in my classes.  I am terrified of change. My front tooth is chipped.

BUT

I LOVE babies and kids. I take jokes too far. I gag and cry when I laugh really hard. I can make a very convincing elephant noise. I love storytelling and hearing other people's stories.  I am hyperbolic in almost everything I do. I am obsessed with several Broadway musicals. I love strawberries and spicy food, but not together. I read quotes when I'm sad and have a huge collection of favorites on my phone. I can type faster than anyone I've met. I take pictures so I can look back and be nostalgic. I am a good listener.  I think juxtaposed humor is the best humor and internal rhyme will instantly bring a giant grin to my face.  I can rap all of "Downtown." I take my students' problems home with me and pray for them all constantly. The color yellow makes me smile.  I write my thoughts in my books while I read. Fewer things bring me greater joy than brand new school supplies. I fold all my garbage into squares and lint roll my bedspread more often than is healthy.

And all of this is what makes me human, and I'm going to be okay with it.
This is my authentic self.

Silver Linings

This week has been one of those weeks where everything that can go wrong does. My filing cabinet locked itself with all my tests inside. The outlets in my classroom stopped working. My google drive deleted a bunch of vocabulary tests and syllabus(syllabi?) I had built. My car needed fixed. The list goes on. Whenever I'm having those days or weeks, I try to make lists of things that are making me happy. It's definitely a juvenile, simple way to cope with things, but it's certainly helpful. Here is a list of some of the things that made me happy this week:

Conversations made up entirely of gifs
Indexing obituaries
The fact that my best friend is a wife and mother but still allows me to send her ridiculous videos of me waxing my legs
Moving day in 9 days!
All the deep cleaning that has been brought about due to moving day
Ed Sheehran
My 4th hour class calling me Mama E.
Guard tryouts in 2 and a half weeks. This break has been long enough.
The Nacho Feminism Club that was started in my room.
Coloring mandalas
Cross stitching
Drives with friends
My eucalyptus scentsy
Learning new tosses
Learning new anything, really
The Illuminati twitter account
Electric signs that form other words when one of their letters burns out
Baking
Furnishing the new apartment
Sugar scrubs
Bruno Mars Pandora
My car functioning properly...finally
Getting my official diploma from Utah State and my teaching license
The new Postsecret app
Having adult friends

And many more. Life is ultimately good.

2014: A Review of Highlights and Lowlights

I know that everyone does this kind of a post at New Year's, just like everyone writes what they are thankful for at Thanksgiving. While the thankful posts kind of bother me, I LOVE reading end of year posts. There's something magical about taking stock of where you are and looking forward to what is to come. 

Without further ado-the highlights:

1) I'm a career woman

This is without question the most exciting thing that happened to me in 2014. It was the realization of 5 1\2 years of school. It was my biggest life goal, and it's been extremely satisfying to check it off my list of goals. I love this job. I love my students. I feel extremely grateful that I got hired. 

2) My colorguard

I know that a very small portion of people reading this have any idea how band and colorguard works, and you probably get sick of reading my posts about it during the season. Just know that this little team of mine came together and did astounding. They brought me so much joy, happiness, and pride in their abilities. I feel privileged to get to coach them, and it was easily one of the best things I got to experience.

3) I finished with USU

This is related to #1, so I won't write a lot about it. I graduated from Utah State, got an official degree, and somehow miraculously did so without student loans. I feel good about it.

4) I went back to church

Surprise! I've only talked to like 6 people about this. I'm happy, and it's deserving of the highlight list.

And now, the lowlights, because I think they're just as important to remember and document, even if it's only to use as a comparison for how far you've come. 

1) My sister moved away

I probably had a much harder time with this than I should have.  My adorable baby sister moved away to go to college, and it was ROUGH. She is an integral part of my life, and I despised not getting to see her every day.  We've mostly made up for that with a series of very child-like emojis that we send to each other frequently, but it's still a big adjustment. Having her home for the break has been a dream. 

2) I learned that being an adult comes with loss

Friendships grow apart, people close to you leave, and loved ones pass away. For some reason, up until this year, I'd been able to avoid all 3 of those pretty well. This year I got to face the reality that all of those exist, and they are painful to go through.

3) I faced the reality that I'm not (and can't possibly be) the best at everything.

I know that sounds stupid, but I hold myself to a pretty high standard in several aspects of life. I've always picked up on things fairly quickly, and I get frustrated when I have trouble with a concept. This year, I was thrown right into several situations with a pretty steep learning curve. These high expectations for myself left me feeling inadequate, unsure, and uncertain, and I had to learn how to deal with not being instantly good at something. It was painful. Luckily, I've had several mentors along the way reminding me to be gentle with myself, to be patient, and to learn to accept incremental progress. I'm very lucky I had these guiding lights in my path to help me through a variety of brand new experiences. 

2014 was astounding. I'm eager to see what 2015 holds and can't wait to see the growth that accompanies it. 

Happy New Year!

4 Things to Stop Saying in 2015

Every year certain phrases come into our usage, trendy little sayings that everyone seems to adopt. Some of them come for a season, get ultra annoying, and then flicker into nonexistence. For unexplained reasons, some of these vogue sayings stick around. And a percentage of these phrases should never have been popular in the first place. Please. Stop using them. End the cycle.

4. "You're fine."
When I worked at McDonald's, I constantly saw little kids run up to their parents crying, whether it was due to a perceived injustice or a stubbed toe. Some parents would cuddle them for a moment, kiss it better, and send them off to play again. Others would explain the situation to their child, trying to teach them empathy and understanding for their peers. The most common reaction I saw, though, is a parent simply saying "you're fine." It kills me every time! If someone comes to you in a moment of vulnerability and expresses their emotion, do not invalidate them by telling them they're fine or they'll get over it!  I understand the reasoning behind the sentiment. I also understand that you don't want the people around you to constantly be expressing negative emotion, and that they need to be able to handle emotions themselves. But if someone comes to you and expresses that emotion, validate it. Don't just tell them that they're fine-that discounts everything they're feeling.

3. "Because I said so"
When I was in the 10th grade, I had a teacher who never gave us an explanation for anything we did-she always just told us "because I said so." It drove me CRAZY. Even though I was 15, I was a somewhat rational human being capable of thought, and I wanted a justification for the activity we were doing. I despised the phrase "because I said so." Now that I'm on the other end of that exchange and am teaching sophomores of my own, I can definitely understand wanting to pull the authority card. But I won't let myself do it. I think that people of all ages deserve explanations for what they're being asked to do. That explanation may vary depending on the age group you're addressing or the type of activity in which you're engaging.

2."So and so is just doing that for attention"
This explanation is something I hear frequently. "That girl is only doing what she's doing for attention." Frankly, I don't care what the behavior is, nor do I care if they are doing it for attention. In my mind, if someone is doing something for attention, they're lacking positive attention from the people who they most need and desire it. They may not have a good relationship with their parents, siblings, spouse, etc. Is that always the case? Probably not.  But I'd rather take a minute and deal with the behavior than ignore it and make someone feel more unimportant than they already might.

1. Raped
Please. If you ignore the rest of this post, PLEASE stop using the term "rape" in a way that's synonymous with beating someone else, doing poorly on a test, or being busier than you imagined you would be. I can guarantee the feeling you get from failing a test does not compare to the feeling of someone who has experienced sexual assault. That test did not "rape" you. The test may have discouraged you, challenged you, or messed up your chances for an A in the class, but the test did not rape you.

Apologies if this comes off as preachy. For me, all of this boils down to being compassionate toward other people, something I'm trying to work on as well. We never know what situation someone is facing. We don't know what goes on behind closed doors. Let's try not to say things to others that may exacerbate a bad situation.

Loves

I've been in the library for close to four hours today, wading through sections of the grant I'm teaching in my student teaching class. To get past the crushing boredom and occasional frustration, I am taking a break to write down a list of things I love. I think this generally only happens around Thanksgiving time, and although Thanksgiving is approaching, I wanted to make a list of loves and things I'm thankful for before the huge storm of gratitude hits. So, without further ado, here is a list of things I adore:

Fridges that look like cabinets
Jaxson
Liz's new hair color
Spending time with my guard girls
Student teaching
Driving down 10th west while the sun is going down
Writing thank you cards
Oxford and vocative commas
Tumblr
Harry Potter
Baths
Baby animals
Deep conversations
The weird little feeling of affection I get when I look at my classes
Late nights with Dani
Turquoise and yellow
Icebreakers breath mints
All Mexican food
Pilot G2 .07 pens
My laminator and label maker
Organizing
The new Apple headphones that finally stay in my ears
Angry punk rock songs from the 8th grade
Coloring mandalas
Colors arranged in a heat scale or rainbow order


That's it for now. Life is grand. :)

These Freaking Cookies

This is not (nor will it ever be) a food blog. This is a blog where I write about what I love, write about what I hate, and tell preposterous stories from my life. That being said, let me tell you about these cookies.

It's only a Tuesday, and I have had a R O U G H week. Holy cow. I'm not going to go into the details here, but today I desperately needed to de-stress. In the past, my best method of relieving stress has been baking. I found this recipe on Tumblr a few weeks ago and have been dying to make them, so today seemed like the perfect opportunity.

I went to Lee's after school, rounded up the ingredients I didn't already have at my house, and headed home to begin. Everything was going smoothly until I went to pull the cinnamon from the cupboard. Whoever (Mom) had used it last had left a miniscule, not-even-worth-it amount in the bottom of the jar. Having complete faith in my baking prowess, I had foolishly decided to make a double batch of this cookie so I could take them to school to give to my guard girls tomorrow. Because of this decision, I needed 4 teaspoons of cinnamon for these cookies. 4 teaspoons does not sound like a lot. Trust me. It's a massive amount.

I desperately searched the spice cabinet and found no ground cinnamon. Instead, I pulled out a jar of cinnamon sticks and thought to myself "this probably won't be that hard to turn into ground cinnamon." WRONG. WRONGWRONGWRONGWRONGWRONG. It took me 45 freaking minutes to turn cinnamon sticks into ground cinnamon. I suffered three cuts on my hand, and cinnamon powder burned my nose and mouth. To top it all off, a stray chunk of cinnamon stick flew out of the blender and hit me directly in the left eye.

I finally had enough cinnamon for my recipe. I carefully measured it out, weighed it down to the last gram, and then tripped while I was pouring it in the bowl. It went all over the sink, and I was back to square one. I strung some choice expletives together and moved on. I ground more cinnamon, this time without incident, and poured it into the bowl, also without incident. I mixed everything together, plopped the dough in the fridge to chill, cleaned the kitchen, and sat down to grade papers.

An hour later, I came back to actually bake the cookies. AND THEY DON'T EVEN TASTE THAT GOOD. Don't get me wrong, they taste fine. They don't taste bad. But they are not up to the Katy Anderson Cookie Standard. I am ticked. What a waste. This was the worst de-stressing activity to date.

In Which I Expose my Inner Nerd

I've seen this post going around Facebook where someone tags you and you have to write about ten books that have stuck with you over your life. I haven't been tagged in this, probably because most of my friends know that I think most Facebook pass-along activities are annoying, but I LOVE this one. I am such a huge advocate of reading, and I think books have the power to be life changing. Because I lack the ability just to list my top ten books without writing about why I love them, I've decided to turn this into a blog post. I had to go back to my old Shelfari page to decide what my top ten will be, but I think I've got it narrowed down. Here they are, in no particular order:

1. I Am Neurotic (and so are you) by Lianna Kong
One of my friends told me about this book while hanging out and I instantly went home to make a copy. I have always had extremely weird habits. I count my steps. I refuse to take the first two slices of bread in the loaf.  I lint roll my bed spread excessively. I chew my food the same amount of times on the left side of my mouth as I do the right. I always thought I was just a nut job. This book gave me a kind of connection with other people. I realized that everyone has their oddities, and they can still be perfectly acceptable and loving humans.

2. Matilda by Roald Dahl
I used to think I was Matilda when I was little. I tried for years of my life to make things move with my mind. Luckily, I never had a psychotic, terrifying teacher I had to battle against, so these telekinetic powers weren't really needed. But seriously, how awesome is Matilda? It shows that reading is important and can help cope with difficult situations. It shows that gaining knowledge is a good thing to aim for. I love Matilda.

3. To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
How could this not be on my list? My grandpa gave me this book to read when I was eight years old. I read it quickly and gave it back to him, telling him that I didn't think it was that great of a story. He gave it to me again when I was twelve and again when I was seventeen. Each time I read it I liked it more and more, and I learned more from it. It was the first book to which I gave a second chance; usually if I dislike a book, I read it once and not again. But because my grandpa asked me to, I read it multiple times. The whole experience taught me to give everything a second chance, that opinions change and first impressions are not always correct.

4. Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follet
I'm going to give a warning up front that this book is a little graphic. Don't read it if you're not comfortable with that. HOWEVER. This book is incredible. I've never read a book that makes you feel stronger emotions toward the characters. Ken Follet somehow has the ability to make you empathize with his male protagonist, admire his female protagonist (who, for once, are not involved in a romantic relationship), and loathe his antagonist. I feel greater hatred towards William Hamleigh in Pillars than any other villain, both fictional and in real life. He takes five completely different stories and weaves them all together masterfully. It is incredible.

5. Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders
In my psychology class in high school we had to do an outside reading report. I read one of the novels my teacher kept on the shelf and fell in love. I tore through his bookshelf; I read more than 30 books that school year. After I finished the novels, I decided to read the DSM. For those who don't know, the DSM has every mental disorder a person can possibly be diagnosed with. It lists symptoms, relevancy, and treatments as well. I found every word fascinating. It was just such a foreign world for me to imagine that people actually dealt with these disorders, and reading it made me want to be a psych major in college.

6. Inkheart by Cornelia Funke
Another book that advocates reading. I think I loved Inkheart so much because it reinforced how I felt about books. It talks about how the people in a book can come alive and have a huge effect on the reader. It's a young adult read, but it's really fun.

Disclaimer: I have always LOVED books that write about characters who have problems. Psychological fiction is my passion. The next few are books that fall into this category that had a profound effect on me.

7. Madness by Marya Hornbacher
Madness is a memoir written about the author's struggle with bipolar disorder. It is powerful.

8. The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky
I promise I liked this way before the hype of the movie. This book has three things in it that I absolutely adore: 1) The positive effect a student-teacher relationship can have for both parties. 2) A love of reading. 3) The idea that everyone deals with their pain in different ways, and that we should be considerate of other people.

9. Burned by Ellen Hopkins
I know that Ellen Hopkins is very much a teenage-focused writer, and is very over hyped a lot of the time. Burned taught me not to put up with crap from anyone. I know that sounds very much like the myspace status of a 14 year old, but that's the most succinct way I can put it.

10. Whale Talk by Chris Crutcher
Just read it. It's a young adult novel, a really quick read, and teaches a powerful lesson about kindness.

I'm sorry this was so long. If you made it all the way to the end, I salute you. And I would like to know what some of your favorite books are! I am constantly looking for more to read :)

Awesome & Awkward

Awesome
My super cute boss gave me flowers and Hi-Chews to celebrate my last day at work.
Now that Liz is gone, I have a bathroom to myself.
I finally found the last piece of our colorguard uniforms for this year-they look awesome.
I have an iPhone now! I love it.
I have watched all of the Harry Potter movies this weekend.
I tried FOUR new recipes this weekend, all of which were successful.
My new cooperating teacher is also a huge Yankees fan. We get along well.




Awkward
One of my coworkers on band staff told my new cooperating teacher to call me Whitesmoke. Uncomfortable.
I was in my backyard reading and this chicken ran across the lawn in front of me. I put my book down and tried to shoo it away. It ran at me; I screamed. Neighbor girl in the backyard adjacent to ours stared at me for a loooong time.
I ugly cried for far longer than necessary when Liz left.
Went to Lee's looking incredibly nappy and ran into six people I know. SIX.
I have had not one, not two, but three freakouts about student teaching.


I've been kind of a recluse this weekend, which has definitely cut back on the amount of awkward moments I usually stumble upon.

Ending my Musical Ignorance

In an effort to no longer be useless at my coaching job, I am attempting to learn music. I know, "music" is a very broad term. And the more "music" I learn, the more I realize how much I am still completely ignorant about.

My freshman year at Snow, I had a roommate who was a music major, and another roommate who was a math major, but whose family is extremely talented musically. We would all sit in the living room and do homework together, and the two of them would often work on music theory homework. I vividly remember looking at one of their worksheets and asking, "what's that symbol that looks like a table on wheels?" I was referring to an eighth note. They dissolved into laughter, attempted to help me, and then gave up when I showed no modicum of understanding. I wrote it off, telling myself that I was good at English and that knowledge would be more helpful in the long run, anyway.

But it drove me crazy that I didn't understand what was on that page.  I forgot about my stupidity for a while, but my curiosity was piqued again at band camp.

It started this week when I looked at a score of our band's show. I was writing down the letters of the different musical sections so that when our director tells everyone to "start at letter ___," I could tell my colorguard girls where we were starting in the routine. As I looked through the score, I became more and more curious about what the heck all of these foreign symbols meant.

I asked Brooklyn, my co-coach, to explain, and she very patiently taught me the names of most of the symbols and their meanings. Then Ben, another staff member and an extremely talented musician, entered the room and took over when Brooklyn (very understandably) became bored. We studied the score for about an hour; I learned about crescendoes, rests, measures, the lengths of notes, and the difference between flat, sharp, and natural notes. I left that night feeling both extremely bewildered and satisfied.

The next day Brooklyn taught me how to distinguish between notes and where middle c is located on a piano. I played numerous warm up exercises that are so basic the book they came in was decorated with kitten stickers. And I played them poorly.

Learning music is much harder than I anticipated.

Part of me wonders if this is kind of a lost cause; the people I work with have been studying and playing music for 20-30 years; many of the students in the band have been playing for over a decade. And I'm starting out at square one. But, I'm sick of my eyes glazing over when the rest of the staff talks about music dynamics and attacks, so I will press on in my quest to learn about music.

Birthday Week

I had such a fabulous birthday week. Every single day was packed with activities I love, whether it was hanging out with friends or being at guard practice every day, getting to spend time with my guard girls and the rest of the band staff.

Tuesday I got to go out with Colton, Chloe, and James for a birthday dinner at Chili's. We had a lovely time, and they gave us free ice cream for my birthday :)

Wednesday I celebrated with my family, and man do they know me incredibly well. I received cardigans, a dress, the movie Matilda, a 12 pack of Pilot G2 .07 pens (my favorite), and a pencil organizer filled with fruit flavored candy. It could not have been more perfect.

Thursday, my actual birthday, I spent all day at guard (just like every other day this week). My beautiful guard girls sang a rousing, horribly off key rendition of Happy Birthday, and the rest of the band sang their traditional birthday song as well. I ended the day going to an early premiere of "The Fault in Our Stars" with Brooklyn, Chelsey, Noelle, and Jessey, at which we ugly cried and had a wonderful time.

Friday I slept from 8 pm until 1, then 2am until 9. It was much needed.

And Saturday I watched Orange is the New Black with Jessey and ended the week with a campfire party with a bunch of friends.

I'm not quite positive how I ended up with such lovely people in my life, but I am extremely grateful that I did. 23 is shaping up to be an extremely good year.

The status of my 2011 5-year plan

Today I had some free time and was going over an old blog I used to write in. One of the posts, written in 2011, detailed what I thought was going to be my 5 year plan. It included moving to Minnesota, attending bartending school, becoming a baseball statistician, having a child, and staying out of Utah. Past Katy was 1 for 5. Not an impressive record.

At that time in my life, I couldn't think of anything that sounded better than what I detailed in that post. Obviously, plans have changed, and as of right now, I can't imagine taking a different path than the one I'm currently on. Its only been 3 years, and although I don't feel like I've changed that much, I clearly have. I have a different set of motivators. I find happiness in different situations than I used to. And although now I feel like I'm doing well and am mildly successful, I know that 3 years from now I will be able to look back on this post and laugh at how much I didn't know.

As much as I say I hate change, it tends to happen without me realizing it's happening. I only realize how significant of a change has occurred when I look back in hindsight. And so far, I really like what I've changed into.

:)

Happy (NOT the Pharrell Williams song)

My great friend Ashley just started a blog, and her very first post asked the question of "What makes you happy?" Her blog makes me happy. If you want to check it out, go here. But it got me thinking-there are TONS of things that make me happy, simple pleasures in my every day life that make me smile every time. Because I'm uncreative, here is a list, in no particular order:

-Baking
-A well organized closet
-Sunshine
-My family
-Dani and Robyn
-My nephew
-My English clique
-Winning (Shallow, yes. Do I care? NOPE.)
-Analyzing literature
-My friends
-Phone calls
-Writing and receiving letters and thank you notes
-Late night conversations
-Driving with the windows down
-Hi-Chews
-Teaching
-Strawberries
-Puppies and babies
-Diet Coke
-Cleaning something in detail
-Going to bed early
-My work friends
-Spicy food
-Buying presents for people and making them open them early because I can't stand to wait
-Clean sheet night
-Walking barefoot in grass

Really, the list could go on for pages and pages. I've been really consciously trying to notice little things that bring me joy, and the result has been incredible!

BFFs

I vividly remember the most terrifying experience I had while attending White Pine. My friend and I were walking through the halls when a tall, pale, gangly boy wearing a bright pink backpack started running full speed down the main hall, his curly, unruly bangs bouncing on his long forehead. He ran around crazily, squawking and occasionally stopping to stare directly into someone's face, fall completely silent, and then loudly bark before running off again. I pressed up against the wall, hoping that I would not be the next victim. As the boy ran away down the hall, I murmured to my friend, "What kind of person would be friends with that kid?"

Turns out, I'm the type of person.

That kid was David Marshall, and that was our first encounter. Cut forward to our junior year of high school, when after school I saw David walking ahead of me, remembered that he had recently moved into our neighborhood, and ran to catch up and offer him a ride. He looked slightly taken aback, and then accepted. As we walked, I boldly started the conversation with an offhanded, irrelevant fact about myself that I was sure would be the clincher in our just-about-to-be-an-awesome friendship. David, astounded, shouted "Me too!" From then on, we were inseparable.

That first day on the ride home, David climbed into my sea foam green mini van and reached into the backseat, pulling out my colorguard rifle and examining it gleefully. He then proceeded to roll down the window and mercilessly fake shoot the group of seminary teachers walking home after school. Mortified, I shouted at him to stop, telling him that he was shooting my teacher. He excitedly turned around and shouted, "Me too!" before continuing his rampage.

Since that first awkward conversation and drive, David and I have been best of friends. He taught me not to take life as seriously and that it's okay to look and act stupid on occasion. I was forced to quickly got over my embarrassment of driving with him, and even forgave him when he thought it would be funny to write "Katy does meth" all over Sky View. His is one of the longest friendships I have, and I cherish it.

We're in very different places in our lives now, and are motivated by extremely different things. But I know I can always call him for a pick-me-up, count on him to buy me a drink at The Owl, and go on car rides talking about our futures. I'm extremely glad my 7th grade terror didn't keep me away from forming a great friendship.

awesome & awkward

Hi, I'm the worst blogger ever. I never have motivation to sit and write a personal essay type of blog post, so...I just don't blog. I think for a while I'll stick with list posts. For today: Awkward and Awesome.

Awesome
-I will be in Mexico in 36 days.
-I wrote 15 pages in the last 2 days.
-I started my psych clinical at Sky View and completely love it.
-I made the dean's list last semester!
-I finished my taxes tonight so I feel super on top of everything.
-Color guard starts soon!
-I turned in all my paperwork for student teaching and graduation.
-I got the high score on an essay for one of my classes.
-We had an informal high school friend reunion and had a blast.
-I survived my first parent teacher conference.


Awkward
-I tripped in front of my entire psych clinical class while I was being introduced.
-I deleted a whole series of videos that I was trying to edit and then had to confess my stupidity.
-I tried to teach myself several simple ballet moves. It didn't go well.
-I ran into a boy that I went on a few dates with at Snow and could NOT remember his name. He noticed.
-My professor keeps asking me very personal questions about my life and I don't know how to respond.
-I was walking through a hall and a guy in front of me rapidly whipped off his jacket and punched me in the face.

Things are good. I fully realize my "awesome" list sounds slightly pathetic and extremely nerdy.  I'm pretty okay with it. :)

Things I Love

My guard girls had a competition in Provo last night, and we did not get home until extremely late. This morning, I had a class at 7:00 that I had to attend, so I had to wake up at 5:30. Although I downed a giant mocha, I had to keep physically moving in order to stay awake. Because I was confined in a desk, my staying-awake strategy was to write a list of things that I love. It's a great list. Here it is:

I love that upbeat classic rock is always playing when I walk into my 7:00 class.
I love that I have a 7:00 class and 7:30 class (most days).
I love that I'm getting paid to help with guard and hang out in the sun.
I love Taco Tuesday and watching So You Think You Can Dance with Jessey.
I love my Huffington Post app.
I love People magazine and doing the People magazine crossword.
I love that I get to read Ender's Game for a class.
I love binge-watching TV shows with my sister when we both happen to be at home.
I love working with Kellee, David, Chloe, and many others.
I love piercing people's ears.
I love skyping with Dani, Jaxson, and Tim.
I love that Dani, Jaxson, Tim, and Robyn came to BYU to watch my girls and to see me last night.
I love that Jaxson has learned to follow social cues, screaming when the crowd screams and shushing people when the crows calmed down.
I love phone calls with Texas, and listening to her life for half an hour before I get to talk.
I love working on Sundays, and the people I get to work with on Sundays.
I love that my body likes to fall asleep at 9 pm.
I love falling asleep in the bath tub.
I love jalapeno bagels and chai from the library cafe.
I love Tina Fey. Still, and always.
I love Billy Joel. Still, and always.
I love holding babies and buying baby clothes.
I love bargain shopping with my mom.
I love falling asleep watching golf with my dad, and staying wide awake watching baseball.
I love using my label maker.
I love getting books for Jaxson, and I love that he loves books.
I love watching vines.
I love that all-red packages of Starbursts and all flavors of Hi-Chews.
I love analyzing people's personalities with the color code.
I love going to my educational psych class.
And if you're reading this, I probably like you, too.

Balance

This post formed up in my head while driving today. The road is going to be curvy and winding and weird, but I promise I'll get to the point. :)

While driving to a parade with Launa, a lovely lady on band staff with me, the conversation turned to Billy Joel. I know. Typical. I was doing my regular fan girl gushing over him and Launa asked me about my favorite song of his. I named a few that I really liked, but the question prompted me to listen to my entire Billy Joel collection over the last few days in order to get a concrete answer. The votes are in. This is my favorite song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8BGbeDb5VIk

I promise this isn't just going to be an ode to Billy Joel. I've already done that on this blog. But this song is so incredibly applicable to my life, more so than any other song I've heard.

Slow down, you crazy child
you're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart, tell me
Why are you still so afraid?

Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?
You'd better cool it off before you burn it out
You've got so much to do and
Only so many hours in a day

But you know that when the truth is told..
That you can get what you want or you can just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even
Get halfway through
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

Slow down, you're doing fine
You can't be everything you want to be
Before your time
Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight
Tonight...
Too bad but it's the life you lead
you're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need

Though you can see when you're wrong, you know

You can't always see when you're right...you're right

As does the fictional character in the song, I keep busy. I want to be successful and I know to do that I have to work hard. I like being busy. But I have the tendency to burn myself out. I put too much of myself into school and work and don't leave time for my relationships with friends and family, which are very important to me. For example, two semesters ago I left McDonald's for a short period of time and went to work at a call center. I didn't hold crazy hours, and the pay was a little bit higher when I was doing well, but I hated it. I even had a little more free time than I used to have. But the relationships weren't there for me. I didn't care about anyone I worked with, so I felt stressed all the time.

This semester, I've figured it out. This is, without a doubt, the busiest I have ever been. Several days of the week, I'm only home for a half hour period from 6 am to midnight. But I'm happier this semester than I've ever been. The solution:  One of my new jobs is coaching colorguard. In order to do this, I've had to cut back a few hours on each of my other jobs. But the payout (emotionally, not financially) I get from coaching is huge. I get to build relationships with my girls. I get to see them succeed. I get to see their "aha" moments and I get to see the pride in their face when they nail a move they've been struggling with. I get to see the thrill of performing on their faces and their absolute excitement and joy when they win. It's so affirming and validating knowing that I, in a small way, get to help them with this. 

This is the key. Not only is this job keeping me from totally losing it due to stress this semester, it's letting me know that my chosen profession is PERFECT for me. I'll get to see these same things when I teach, although they won't be on a field under the lights. I'm thriving in this situation, getting these girls from the beginning where many of them knew nothing, to the end where they're successful. I'm so stoked to finish school and start teaching, and to hopefully continue coaching for a while. I feel so fortunate to get to be with these girls every day. 

Positively Providential

Life has been so hectic lately, and I apologize to my (very few) faithful blog readers for my lack of posts. Rather than writing a series of detailed posts about my day-to-day life, I'm choosing for now just to write a list of events that are going on and things that are making me happy.

I was tossing solid sixes with one of my rifle girls the other day-I've still got it.
I get to see my two best friends and nephew in two weeks when they come up for a visit.
My colorguard girls are incredible and I'm already growing so very attached to them.
I am lucky enough to get to coach with one of my best friends by my side.
I realize every day how fortunate I am that my job is so flexible and that they take such good care of me.
I passed my kidney stone this morning. Don't care if this is too much information, I am EXTREMELY happy about it.
I am completely thrilled for school to start in two weeks.
My scholarship checks both came through so my semester is totally paid for.
I took 4 baths and read an entire book today, and I caught up on laundry and cleaning.
I'm learning Italian and don't feel like I am completely terrible at it so far.
My store's grand reopening is this weekend!!

I'm overall very pleased with where my life is headed and where it is right now. There's nothing like writing down the positives in your life to make you realize how truly fortunate you are. I feel very lucky to be who I am, to be where I am, and to know the people I know :)

This Is Robyn:

Robyn was one of my roommates during my second year at Snow. She has been on a mission on the east coast and is FINALLY coming home. In 4 days, I'll get to see this beauty for the first time in what seems like forever.
Robyn is the glue of every relationship she's in. When I met her, I thought she was going to be super high maintenance, but she's pretty much the opposite. She's that person who changes into sweats the second she gets home. She eats large amounts of food and candy. She is gracious. She loves Tina Fey and 30 Rock.  She is hardworking and dedicated to whatever she is doing at the time. She is supportive. She's driven. She is one of the friendliest, most outgoing people I've ever met.
I am so stoked to see her again.

She came with us to get our tattoos

She likes to act like a G.

She makes uncomfortable social situations okay.

She's not afraid to look like an idiot if it means she's having a good time.

She loves wildlife.

She makes great airport welcome home signs.

Clarity

I am a worrier. I don't mean that I worry in the sense that I concern myself with little things. I mean worry in the sense that if I don't do everything in exactly the right order and exactly the right time period with the exact desired results, I will end up homeless living under a freeway overpass and begging truckers for the remains of their bags of Fritos in order to survive.

I'm just about to enter my teaching program, and as I've started the preparation I've become so preoccupied with all of the things that are coming up: The Praxis, practicums, student teaching, paperwork, choosing a school district to teach in, preparing lesson plans, building a professional wardrobe, and other anxieties about my chosen profession. This type of thinking has been my modus operandi for as long as I can remember.

However, there comes a time and place when you must push everything aside, take a deep breath, and realize that everything will work out. For me, it was when I had a beer with my 7th grade science teacher at The Owl tonight. We began talking about teaching (much to the chagrin of our companions, I'm sure) and  I felt very calm about the whole thing. Something came over me that just brought me to the realization that things will work out. They may not work out on the exact timeline that I had planned or in the order that is typically expected, but something will work out. I have no idea what particular details of the night made my brain rearrange its thought process, but I am so glad it happened.

This brief moment of intense clarity was exactly what I needed. I don't feel as dumb about not graduating on time as I did this morning. I don't care that my chosen future career is sometimes looked down upon. I'm trying really hard not to care that I may not be the best at everything I do--these things take time--but it's coming.

I'm content and confident.

:)

I Believe

Living in a culture where the majority of people around you have a clear cut set of beliefs can be interesting. When people around you find out you don't share their beliefs, they tend to react one of four ways: They can try to convert you, they choose to no longer associate with you, they assume ambivalence, or they try to get to know more about your beliefs. Lately I've been getting a lot of questions from friends old and new about what I believe in. It's true; I don't have a clear cut set of beliefs. I don't subscribe to any particular religion or guided way of life. This isn't to say that I think religion is bad. I just think it serves a purpose in some people's lives that may not be needed in the lives of others.

I thought I'd write an "I Believe" post to show that, while I do have morals, opinions, and a dos and don'ts list, I'm kind of making it up as I go and doing what I feel is best for the situation I'm in and for the people around me.

I believe that, when the opportunity arises, you should always help people. Even if the act seems small, I think it can turn a person's day around. This spans from holding a door open for a stranger to helping a classmate study for a test to helping a friend move to being available to talk when a friend has a problem. You'll never regret helping someone out.

I believe in the idea of "what goes around comes around." I think if you help people as often as you can, you'll receive help when you're in need. I think too often people expect to receive help when they are unwilling to do the same for other people.

I believe in working hard. I've had a job since I was 15. I work to get the grades I want and to accomplish the goals I've set for myself both at work and school. I don't understand the idea of people showing up to work and just standing around. I believe people should earn what they receive.

I believe in being honest. I used to have a problem with exaggerating. I'd tell stories and exaggerate them into these phenomenal epics until they barely resembled the actual event. I made a conscious decision to stop doing this and to be straight forward and even blunt with people, and it's worked out so much better for me.

I believe in putting relationships first. I think family and friends should be the first and second most important priorities in your life. There's nothing wrong with trying new things and moving away and working hard, but if you ignore your relationships they'll quickly dwindle and may not always still be there when you get back. I believe that relationships take time and effort from both parties.

I believe that people should be allowed to make their own choices unless they infringe on someone else's personal space, safety, or happiness. To this effect, I don't think drinking is wrong unless you put yourself in the situation to hurt someone while you're doing it. I don't think swearing is wrong unless the words are being used abusively towards someone or the words make someone in the conversation uncomfortable. I don't see anything wrong with having tattoos or extra piercings or unnatural hair colors or wearing two piece swimsuits and tank tops.

I believe in a god, although I don't think he or she has as much to do with our day-to-day lives as we often think. I came across this quote in an Ellen Hopkins book some time ago and it has stayed with me ever since. "God is love. And he respects love, whether it's between a parents and child, a man and woman [a man and a man, a woman and a woman], or friends. I don't think he cares about religion one little bit. Live your life right. Love with all your heart. Don't hurt others, and help those in need. That is all you need to know. And don't worry about heaven. If it exists, you'll be welcome."

I hope this clears things up for those of you who have asked me questions. I hope I've written something that you can ponder upon and maybe strikes a chord. Or maybe you think I've written a load of garbage and you want to stick to your own beliefs. That's fine too. I think the most important thing about this post is that ultimately, it's actions that matter more than beliefs.